in the mirror

A Month of Gratitude #7

2011-11-11T21:09:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for unexpected surprises. The appointment I planned to attend suddenly cancelled, opening up the day for a family shopping trip. And an unscheduled meet-up with friends over dinner led to a fun and relaxing visit. Overall, a good day.

A Month of Gratitude #6

2011-11-09T17:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for the chance to get home earlier than usual, which I guess is really another way of saying I'm grateful for my home -- a place of refuge, acceptance, and shelter from the rest of the world.

A Month of Gratitude #5

2011-11-08T21:12:00.000-08:00

Today was overwhelmingly busy and I think I've acquired a cold/sore throat/headache thing, so I have spent most of the day feeling ill-equipped and unprepared to face all the stuff I have to do. But for a few cherished moments this morning, my youngest daughter snuggled in bed with me and all was right with the world. I am so thankful for those few precious minutes at the threshold of the day, when everything is quiet and peaceful.

A Month of Gratitude #4

2011-11-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am thankful beyond words for my Bible and the freedom I have to own it and study it as much as I like. The girls and I had a lengthy theological discussion about God's sovereignty and the purposes of prayer on the way to a photo appointment today, and it reminded me how privileged we are to hold God's word in our hands.

A Month of Gratitude #3

2011-11-06T16:00:00.001-08:00

So, I've missed a few days blogging my gratitude items. I am happy to say that my failure has only been in recording my thoughts, not on actually thinking about what I am grateful for each day. Over the past few days I have reflected on how grateful I am for each of my sweet and special daughters, my dear friend of many years, Tamara, who I see too little but appreciate so much, and the amazing privilege of prayer that God has granted to me as one of his children. I plan to get back into a daily posting routine again tomorrow.

I have also decided to add another facet to my month of gratitude. This afternoon I made 12 cards. My intent is to give them out this month to people who bless my life, some in big ways and some in small ways, just to say thanks for all you do.

A Month of Gratitude #2

2011-11-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today, through somewhat clenched teeth, I am thankful for my job. As much as I hate it at times and wish I had done something else with my life, I am mindful of many who are without jobs, or who work too hard at jobs that don't cover all the bills, or who work multiple jobs just to provide the basics for their families. And I realize that complaining about my job is a selfish luxury that I should forego in favor of gratitude.

A Month of Gratitude #1

2011-11-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago I did a "gratitude challenge" where I posted something I was thankful for every day during the month of November. This year I decided to do it again. This time I have incorporated my family into the challenge, asking everyone to try to find one thing to be thankful for each day. And since I still have my "event tree" up (closing in on the one-year mark), we have decided to write some of those objects of gratitude on paper leaves and hang them on our tree to celebrate November.

So today I am thankful for my husband. Because he is the unsung hero of our house, always here, always dependable, always doing the things that need to be done to keep things running smoothly. Even when he doesn't want to. Even when it isn't fun. Even when no one says thank you. Today I'm saying thank you.

finding her wings

2011-05-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last year when Sydney turned 12, I gave her a framed scrapbook page with the words to this song:

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold;

The plans that heaven has for you will all too soon unfold.

So many different prayers I'll pray for all that you might do;

But most of all I want know that you're walking in the truth.

So if I never told you, I want you to know, as I watch you grow:

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams,

And that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things.

I'm here for you, whatever this life brings.

So let my love give you roots and help you find your wings.

"Find Your Wings" by Mark Harris

Now, a year later, that song has taken on even more meaning for me. First, because Sydney will perform it later this week at her school's 8th grade graduation. (Thank goodness she herself is not graduating this year, because I don't think I could handle that level of emotion right now!) But more importantly, because a few short weeks ago Sydney literally "found her wings" when she flew across the country on a 9-day trip through Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Washington D.C. with her class.

Letting her go was tougher than I expected, especially that first day. Her nightly phone calls became a lifeline, connecting us and reassuring me that she was fine, and having fun, and capable of looking after herself without mom and dad right there. I will say, however, that my tracking of her trip home, complete with flight delays due to ice and frozen brakes (yikes!) brought my blood pressure to new heights. But I learned a valuable lesson from it all. She is growing up (this I knew) into a responsible, careful and competent young lady. She is well-grounded, and confident, and courageous. And I believe that someday she will do great things.

It truly does seem only a moment that our kids our young. And it's a moving moment at that, not easily captured or able to be frozen in time. Sometimes I look at my girls and wish that time would stop for just a little while, so I can hold them close to me for a little longer. But I know the best I can do is to savor the moments I have and then be proud to see what heights they are able to reach.

then face to face

2011-05-18T12:38:00.001-07:00

My aunt is dying.

She received her cancer diagnosis three years ago, and by all statistics and predictions she should not be alive now. Last year at this time she began an experimental treatment regimen that showed great promise for lengthening the time she had left, but the doctor told her very candidly that there was no chance she would live until Christmas. And yet she did. In fact, she not only saw Christmas but she also realized a very important personal goal of authoring a beautiful book of devotions. She hand-delivered our family's copy, complete with a personal inscription, this spring. She will very freely tell you that since she became ill she has experienced God's grace in ways she could never have imagined.

Yesterday I went to visit. Hospitalized for recent weeks with an infection, today she is going home to hospice care. I knew as I went that it might be the last time I see my aunt in this life. I dreaded going, and yet I'm so glad I went.

As a Christian it is a paradoxical experience to "lose" a loved one to death. Yes, I am sad and anxious for the suffering my dear aunt has experienced and likely still has ahead. My heart breaks for my cousins and their young children, who may not remember much about the wonderful lady who was their grandma. And for my uncle. Yet I also see the grace my aunt has received. The way her illness empowered her to share so openly about her faith with anyone who would listen. The depth of the relationships she has been able to forge with her husband and her sons in these last years. The lessons she has been able to teach by example, to me and my own family, and--so importantly -- my girls. These are not small things. They are not the "silver lining" that we look for to make sense of life's unexplainable tragedies. They hold lasting, even eternal value.

I couple of months ago I sent my aunt a card where I wrote how proud I was of the way she has lived her life and thanking her for the example she has been. I know it meant a lot to her to receive it, but truthfully it meant more to me to send it. To know that I didn't leave it unsaid. That she will leave this life knowing the impact she had on me and how very much she was loved.

Transparency has always been an issue for me. I like to think I'm improving, but I still struggle mightily to be real with people, not to hide behind the person I think they expect me to be. To be the person who has it all together. I think watching my aunt walk through this journey has taught me that it's not the person who has it all together who makes the big impact. Rather, it's the person who is willing to be genuine with people, whether or not they are liked, and who is willing to lovingly say what needs to be said, whether or not it's what people want to hear. It's the person who is willing to let God use their circumstances, no matter what they may be, to show His grace and His glory to the world. It's the person who is willing to fade away to make God visible. The person who discovers the secret of God's strength perfected in our weakest moments.

My aunt is fighting. She is not peacefully surrendering this life; she is holding on to every moment God gives her. She looked me in the face yesterday and told me, "Oh, this is tough." Yes, it is. I can't imagine. And yet the day, the moment, will come when the fight will be over, the race completed, the faith realized. Oh, glorious day.

13 years

2011-04-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

13 years ago tonight was nothing special. I went to bed expecting to get up the next day and try to find something to busy myself while waiting for our first baby to be born. She wasn't due for another 11 days, and although the doctor had recommended I stop working about a week earlier due to the fact that she might come any day, the lack of any meaningful activity had me bored and resigned to waiting it out.

But 13 years ago tomorrow, everything changed. Some very definite activity in the early morning hours sent us straight to the hospital, and at 8:52 a.m. Sydney made her grand entrance into the world and our lives. A tiny baby, weighing just under 6 lbs. and nicknamed "Peanut" by the nurses, she captured our hearts and has held us captive ever since.

13 years ago. So hard to believe. People warned us that the time would go so fast, but when you are in the midst of baby-and toddler-hood it is hard to see past the current day. And it is easy in those days to be complacent, irritated even, with the slow speed of time. But somewhere along the way -- I can't even exactly pinpoint when -- the days got shorter, and then they blurred into each other, and then they became an unstoppable whirlwind that sucked us in, until now we look around and 13 years have passed and we wonder how it got to be so. And we look at sweet Sydney and wonder when she grew up.

Sydney. Words fail me at the beauty that is this girl. So beautiful, and confident, and willing to embrace life. So complex, and moody, and headstrong. But so sensitive, and loving, and wise, always so wise beyond her years.

The other day I heard a lecture on the state of the modern family, and the comment was made that a child's personality and character traits are largely formed by age 12, so that by the time the child enters the teen years the person you see -- their strengths weaknesses, inclinations -- is pretty much the person they will be in adulthood. If that is true, then I am so proud of Sydney and of the job that God has enabled us to do in raising her. And now I just pray for wisdom and the strength for the teen years. But most of all I pray for the ability to cherish each day that she is in our home, because I am now achingly aware of how few are left.

Happy Birthday, Sydney. My sweet girl, my beautiful teenager. I don't know where the years have gone, but they have taught me this above all -- to hold on tight to you now while I still can.

the tree

2011-03-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

For years I have threatened to leave a Christmas tree up all year. It's become a bit of a running joke with my family and friends. Well, this year I've actually done it. I'll admit it's unorthodox, but I figure if nothing else it'll give my kids a good story to tell in years to come ("Do you know that my mom was so Christmas-crazy that she left a tree up all year and actually changed the decorations to match the holiday of the month?") Well, anyway, there it is. So far we've had a Valentine's tree, a "friendship" tree dedicated to the theme of my 10-year old's birthday party, and we are now sporting a "seahorse and zebra" tree, at the request of my soon-to-be 13 year old, in celebration of her upcoming birthday.

Don't believe me? Here are the photos to prove it.

The valentine's tree, complete with paper hearts and actual valentines:

Tess's friendship tree, complete with yellow roses and a photo gallery of herself from past birthdays:

I don't have a photo of Syd's tree yet, but I'll post it when I do. Our current project is to get ready for the Easter tree, which will go up as soon as Syd's birthday is over. And the paper flowers for May's Mother's Day tree are already done!

Do I feel a little weird when people come over and see a Christmas tree in my family room? Maybe. My uncle sarcastically predicts that by August we will run out of steam. But so far the feedback has been mostly positive. One exchange that made me smile occurred when a friend dropped by to pick up her daughter from Tess's birthday party. "Oh, you still have your Christmas tree up!" she exclaimed, only to be quickly corrected by her daughter, "MOM, it's an EVENT TREE!" At least the kids get the concept.

And my staunchest defenders are my own sweet girls, the youngest of which quickly put her grandma in her place when she raised an eyebrow at the tree, "Oh, you're leaving the tree up, huh?" To which my daughter swiftly replied, "Yes, and we don't care WHAT ANYONE SAYS about it!" End of discussion.

Like I said, it'll make for some funny - and I hope happy -- memories.

Happy 10th!

2011-03-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Tess:

Today you are 10. Our sweet baby girl, the youngest, the little sister, is not a baby anymore. I am amazed and terrified when I consider the speed at which the last 10 years have passed. When you were small, there were days, even minutes, that seemed so long. Like when you had to have the perfect sock on before we could leave the house in the morning, and every sock in the drawer had "lines" (i.e. toe seams) that were unbearable to you. In those times I could not have envisioned that today would ever come. Of course, I must have recognized it on some level, but it seemed so far off into the future as to be completely irrelevant to the moment at hand.

But here it is. You are 10. You have outgrown your aversion to sock seams and countless other childhood annoyances. You have maybe 2 more inches to grow before you will be taller than I am. You are a green belt in tae kwon do, an accomplished violinist, and a sweet ballerina. Most of all, you have a deep love for Jesus and you are an outspoken defender of your faith. The kids in your class know that your best skill is your Bible knowledge. You say you want to be an apologist when you grow up, and you can readily explain what that means to anyone who asks.

10 is such a precarious age. It places you on the edge of so many changes. For your sister, the difference between 10 and 11 was monumental. I don't know if it will be exactly the same for you, but I know that my time to cherish your little-girlness is short. And so I will do just that. But I also know that when the not-so-far-away day when you "put away childish things" does come, I will be amazed at the young woman I meet. And somewhere, deep down, there will always be a part of you that stays my baby. I love you, Tessy, with all my heart. I always will.

what's new

2010-12-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Despite my best efforts to stretch out the holiday fun, Christmas flew by faster than ever for us. I do want to preserve in writing a few of the things that made this Christmas special or new things that we tried that seemed to work well.... so here goes:

1. I went back to making my own cards, thanks to some lovely ideas and inspiration from a new bloggy friend I made this year. Check her out at Lisa's Creative Corner. I also capitalized on her obvious gift for organization and planning to get my cards done well in advance of December 1st, thus eliminating the last-minute card stress that has sent me over the edge in past years. And the cards turned out beautiful!

2. Back before Thanksgiving I took the girls and my mom on an overnight shopping trip and "girls weekend." Despite a clogged toilet and a driving rainstorm which prevented our intended use of the hotel's hot tub, we had a wonderful time together shopping and eating and laughing alot. We purchased the girls' Christmas dresses and even somehow managed to do a fair amount of Christmas shopping for each other on various stealth missions around the mall. It was maybe my favorite new tradition and one we will definitely try to repeat next year.

3. The girls and I spent Christmas Eve Day strolling the main street downtown in our little town. We had a leisurely lunch and even purchased a few last minute gifts for my husband in our local cooking store. Christmas spirit abounded in the merchants and the last minute shoppers downtown, and it was a lovely change from the frenzied desperation we saw in our brief sojourn through the Target parking lot the same day. It also was a nice way to pass the time until the Big Event that night. Christmas Eve continues to be my very favorite day of the season, this year even more so.

4. We have one new event that is yet to come, and it's a big one. The girls are hosting a New Year's Eve party and sleepover for 8 of their friends this weekend. The jury is out on whether this is going to turn out to be the best idea ever or the worst mistake of all time. I am generally NOT a good sleepover mom -- my house is too small for the extra inhabitants and I get really cranky at bedtime. But I figure you can't really go wrong on New Year's Eve, when you feel obligated to stay up late anyway. So I'll try my best to let the girls have their fun and "go with the flow" and just promise myself a good long nap the next day. We've had a surprisingly high acceptance rate on our invitations, and all the parents of our invitees seem overjoyed at our "bravery," which I'm not taking as a good sign. We'll see . . .

Happy New Year!

techy

2010-07-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

We spent yesterday at the Tech Museum of Innovation. Sydney and I had briefly visited The Tech on a field trip with her class a year ago, and I knew from that time on that we had to come back as a family to spend more time in this amazing place. The exhibits are all hands-on, with opportunities to do things like design and ride your own rollercoaster track, have your portrait drawn by a "robot arm", create your own series of circuits that, when triggered, will make Mr. Potato Head perform a desired activity, etc. The photos here are from a "wet lab" activity in the genetics portion of the museum, where the girls followed a staff-guided process with jellyfish DNA. The place is full of this kind of stuff and it is amazing to me how the museum's designers are able to break complex processes into workable activities for elementary age kids.

Despite a crowded morning filled with summer day camp field trips, the place really slowed down in the afternoon and the girls got to see and do pretty much everything they wanted to. My favorite activity was weighing myself on the moon. According to that scale, I need to eat more!

As the girls, especially Sydney, has gotten older, I have distinctly noticed that it is difficult to plan an activity that inspires genuine enthusiasm. It's not as easy to grab a blanket and head to the park for an afternoon and have her think she's been shown a great time, although in her defense I will say that she still seems to enjoy a good park visit. Her thoughts and interests are beginning to be more tied up in her peer group. I know this is a natural thing, but it can't help but make me sad.

That being said, I am grateful that Syd is, thus far, fairly gracious about humoring us most of the time. She seemed to have a genuinely good time yesterday, even though she really wanted to get home to attend a friend's birthday party. When the traffic was jammed up and it seemed it was going to take longer to get home than usual, she was frustrated but philosophical ("I'm not in charge of the traffic or this car so it's really out of my control.") Ultimately she did make it to the party and had a great time, although she hinted at wanting to stay longer (the party was a sleepover but we had pre-determined she would not stay all night). Even then she was gracious when I held the line at our previous decision, and I think she was secretly very happy to collapse into her own bed after such a busy day.

I know the future holds a lot of tenuous days, where Syd will be increasingly torn between offers to spend time with her friends vs. activities with us. I know that we are destined to be on the losing end of a good portion of those choices. I know that is how it is meant to be and needs to be on her road to independence. And so I am happy to hold a day like yesterday close to my heart. And to try for a few more of those while I can. And dare to hope that someday, when she really is "in charge" of herself and her life and her car, the memories of days like that will propel her, every once in awhile, to seek the comfort and "entertainment" that only your family can really provide - and to choose us on her own.

the baby's birthday

2010-03-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

A week ago Friday was a momentous day in the life of my youngest. Tess turned 9!! I don't know what it is about the "9" birthdays for me; they always seem much more momentous than the ones that actually signal a new decade. (For example, my own 29th birthday was so traumatic that 30 paled by comparison. The same thing happened with 39. It must be the anticipation of the next birthday that does it.)

In any case, the baby turning 9 has been quite an event.

We celebrated in real grown-up style, with a "spa" party at a local children's boutique, complete with animal print robes, makeovers, and pedicures! It was such a girly party, so perfect for Tess. Everyone seemed to have a great time.

I have struggled of late with the reality that my girls are not little anymore. Time is such an sneaky thief. When we first set out to start our family I never really pictured my girls as grown-up (silly me). The here-and-now of baby and toddler-hood is so consuming that it truly does seem, cliche as it sounds, that I turned around one day and wondered where these grown-up girls came from. I think I have felt the angst of this even more so with Sydney, who turns 12 this week! But that's for another post.

So, to Tessy - beautiful, sensitive, tender-hearted girl. You have grown up so much in the past year, yet you bless my heart in that you fight against the grown-up stuff (unlike your sister) and look for little ways to show me that you love being the baby. If ever I could point to a child who appears to truly enjoy childhood, it is you. I am amazed and awed by the depth of your imagination, whether it is in creating and teaching a curriculum to 36 invisible "students," or devising a complex agility course for 8 stuffed dogs out of kitchen chairs, pillows, and string (and then putting each dog through their paces and scoring them), you never run out of ideas to amuse yourself.

You are a dear and loving friend to others, an old-fashioned, Holly-Hobbie-kind of friend, who likes to hold hands and skip and sparkles in the company of your preferred companions. The kind of friend who will forego what you really prefer to do in order to make someone else happy, who thinks of others' feelings before your own (except in the case of your sister, but that's a different story).

You love Jesus and His church and already exhibit such faithfulness in service that you are an example to those much older than you. You faithfully join the pastor every Sunday morning for pre-service prayer, many weeks as the only participant. You hold us accountable at home, too, conducting a weekly "bible lesson," in which we explore a piece of scripture together, and leading us in a family prayer. You are clearly a gifted teacher and I would be shocked if you did not end up in that role later in life.

I know the days of babyhood are gone, and the next few years will shed even more habits and endearments of childhood as you become a young lady. I have loved these (lightning-fast) years with you, but I will love the next ones too, as I watch you become the person you were meant to be. A person that I already love with all my heart.

Happy Birthday, my sweet baby.

an open letter to my husband

2010-02-26T16:40:00.001-08:00

K -

I know it's not so often that I say that I appreciate you, but today I wanted you to know. You are a man among men, a true spiritual leader to our family, and my best friend. You are God's gift to me to keep me grounded and focused on what is important, and that is more precious to me than anything else you could possibly do. I love you with all my heart, and I am ashamed of all the times I don't act like it.

so proud

2009-12-19T05:08:00.000-08:00

I had a special "proud parent" moment last night. Sydney danced the part of "Clara" in our local Nutcracker production. Since she got the part in September, I have known that this would be a special night, but I was so nervous for her that I almost couldn't concentrate on the show. Of course, this child, who is the opposite of me in many ways, doesn't really get nervous. She was, however, so keyed up that she has been somewhat difficult to live with for the past few days.

Nevertheless, once the curtain opened she did an absolutely beautiful job. The moments when she took the stage for her "solo" dances were breathtaking to me. I recognize that I, like all parents, see my girls through the bias of the fact that they are mine, but last night as Sydney danced some of the steps I hadn't seen her practice before I was struck by the fact that she is truly graceful and a beautiful dancer. And that smile on her face lit up the stage because it was genuine, from the heart of a girl who loves to dance and comes to life when the audience is watching.

On the way out of the theater another ballet mom stopped me and said that Sydney's performance made her cry because she was so perfect in that part. That observation could not be more true. If there was ever a girl born to play Clara it is Sydney, who has been fascinated with nutcrackers since she was tiny and has amassed a personal collection of "young men" that fills our fireplace mantel each Christmas. Another friend commented that Sydney has been training to play Clara her whole life. When the play reached the part where Clara is asleep on the bench holding her precious nutcracker, my husband leaned over to me and commented that Sydney must be truly happy at that moment.

And although this was certainly Sydney's night, Tess did a magnificent job and actually ended up teaching me a lesson that may be the most important of all. This child, who I tend to baby and coddle because she is my youngest, managed to guide herself through 4 costume changes, which included improvising in the face of a costume malfunction, and flawlessly pulled off her roles of leading the snowflakes and the baby lambs as well as stepping into her sister's role as a lead angel while Sydney did her Clara thing. I made an offhand comment to my sister that apparently Tess is very capable when I allow her to be, and she raised her eyebrows and chuckled as if to say "Where have you been all this time?" So maybe one of my resolutions for the new year is to step back a little and let my baby be the young lady she is becoming.

So here I am writing this rambling post when I'm supposed to be cleaning up for my cookie party. But I couldn't let the wonder of last night fade into the rush of a new day without recording how special it was and how proud I am of these young women who I am blessed to call mine.

a great day

2009-12-15T05:57:00.001-08:00

Just a quick post to memorialize the great day that was yesterday. I had a list of Christmas-related things to finish, and my plan was to drop the girls at school, hit the road to get the errands done, then come home and start some preparation work for my annual cookie exchange party this weekend. Since yesterday was my only real day to do any meaningful prep before the day of the actual party, it was really important to me to make a good start so as to avoid the last minute stress and unpleasantness of not feeling ready.

But as the girls dawdled over their breakfast and I began the typical morning "hurry up, we're going to be late" drill, I was overwhelmed by a sense of not wanting to rush them out the door. Yes, I had things to do. But I also knew I didn't have another day between now and Christmas to spend exclusively with them. So I ventured the question, "Do either of you have any tests today? Do you know what your homework for tonight is? . . . Would you like to stay home today?" Which instantly made me the best mother on the face of the earth, according to my girls.

I did set a few ground rules. We would still get ready and go get the errands done. Then they could relax, but they also had to find time to help me do some straightening up for the party. And they weren't allowed to fight on threat of being hauled immediately to school.

And it was a great day. They at ice cream at 9:30 a.m. while we were out on one of our errands (Sydney called it the best "brunch" she's ever had). They filled up the sink and had Littlest Pet Shop swimming races. Tess had a drama play with her nativity set while Sydney helped me arrange the pictures in our newly painted hallway. Then Tess wrapped the gift bags for the party while Sydney vacuumed the living room and I cleared away the excess junk on the counters to make room for party platters.

At the end of the afternoon we went to ballet class and Tess floated the idea of just declaring it Christmas vacation this week and not showing up at school or work again until after the first of the year. Oh, I wish!

An awesome day. The type of day my own mother would never have authorized during my childhood. But a day I hope my girls remember forever. I know I will.

tweeniness

2009-12-08T06:23:00.001-08:00

My husband and I are learning that parenting an 11 (excuse me, 11 and-a-half! ) year old girl can be an unpredictable adventure. While our Syd is pretty agreeable most of the time, we've noticed some changes lately. She seems to be in a bit of a fog, and all of a sudden our independent thinker is very concerned about her friends' opinions. I know it's all part of growing up, but this is the time we have dreaded for years, when mom and dad become fixtures -- or worse, out-of-touch duds. The good news is that in her "normal" moments, she recognizes that she's a bit difficult to deal with and seems genuinely remorseful over the hurt feelings she sometimes causes.

It's a bit of a tightrope act -- trying to allow her the space to deal with her quick-changing emotions while still enforcing basic requirements of politeness and family involvement. Last night at bedtime prayers I asked God to help Sydney as she grows up to always know that her family is there for her, even when her friends let her down, and to know most of all that she can depend on God for whatever she needs in life. Afterward she asked what I thought was wrong with her that she needed to be prayed for. Seems she wants to blend into the family background, even at prayer time. I assured her that I think she's a perfectly normal 11 -and-a-half-year old girl, but that I'm always going to pray for her.

So I guess we'll buckle up and brace ourselves for the amazing adventure of teenager-ness. I've been told it gets worse, but I hope not. I know many people who have weathered the storms of raising teenagers just fine, without the stereotypical drama usually associated with those years. Well, I know a few people like that. At least one or two. In any case, I'm optimistically aiming to be one of them.

gettin' merry

2009-12-07T04:46:00.000-08:00

Our family has had two opportunities to get into the spirit of the Christmas season in the last week. The first was our town's annual Christmas parade, which we attended for the first time since my youngest was a baby. The girls rode on the float for their ballet company's Nutcracker performance. It was a cold, clear night -- no rain, yay! Although it was a major struggle to get the girls fed, costumed, and onto the float on time, once my friend and I pulled up our corner of curb and settled in to visit and watch the parade it turned out to be an enjoyable evening. It was also funny to see Sydney, who is Clara in the production this year and therefore the star of the float, in full "diva" mode, waving adoringly at her "fans," with a princess-style smile pasted across her face. When they passed our spot I had to yell and wave frantically to get her to see me, which resulted in a break in that fake smile, a genuine wave, and "Oh, hi Mom!" It was one of those moments where all the craziness she causes in her pre-hormonal junior-highness melts away and the earth stops for just a split second to let me see how blessed I am to have this girl for my daughter.

Tess, who had to dress as a boy to re-enact the Nutcracker party scene on the float, was gracious and in fact very charming, and of course I didn't have to yell to get her attention. My sweet baby is pretty much always tuned in to where I am and how long we've been apart and she still misses me when we are not together, she says.

Overall it was a fun night with a small-town feeling (even though it was packed) and people in the crowd yelling "Merry Christmas" at the float participants and at each other and generally being of good cheer.

Over the weekend we continued a family tradition of attending a "holiday lights" event at an amusement park a couple of hours away. For the last 2 years we have been joined on this trip by my parents and my sister and her family. Although it gets a little crazy with such a big group, it is low-key and festive and a lot of fun. I insisted on going this year because I thought it might be the last year that my girls (Syd in particular) would be interested in such a trip, since the particular amusement park caters more to younger kids and doesn't incorporate the thrill rides that are the trademark of being a teenager. I was pleasantly surprised to see that she had as much fun as the younger kids and enjoyed helping out with her cousins and having the extended family together. I think we just might squeak another year or two out of her, after all.

There is so much comfort for me in going back to places we have taken the girls since they were very young. On this trip, for example, my husband and I were reflecting on the many times we have stayed at the same hotel to visit this particular theme park and on some of the "highlights" of the past, like the time Tess scraped her toe under the bathroom door upon arrival and insisted the trip was over and we all just needed to go home. Or the time Syd and I both got sick in the early morning hours and we did, in fact, go home. Or the hot summer trip where we made use of the hotel's pool for an afternoon. Or one trip where Kirk and Tess got up early to go on a "power walk" around the neighborhood. So many memories in one place, yet it is difficult to see how the time has gone so quickly. Anyway, it was a great trip. No one got sick or injured, and even though it was bitterly cold we had the easy companionship of family, the cheer of the season, and the happy memories of the past to keep us warm.

christmas countdown

2009-12-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back. I can't believe how quickly this year has gotten away from me. I so regret not being more disciplined about keeping up with the blog, as this is such a great way to record those little day-to-day moments that are otherwise forgotten. Since it's December 1st (already!) I decided to jump back in and try to do better for the Christmas season.

In reviewing the list I made last year of things I wanted to do differently this season, I am pleased to say that my Christmas cards are all done and ready to be addressed. The homemade Christmas card has long been a tradition in our house, but waiting until the last minute to make the cards can (and has in the past) be very stressful. This year I had the cards designed but wanted to do something extra-special to showcase the photos from our trip to Hawaii this summer. Turns out it's very difficult to make a Hawaiian card that also looks Christmas-y. So I ended up with a beautiful card from Shutterfly with just the right tropical-yet-holiday touch.

In addition, my shopping is DONE. Yay! And just yesterday I finished wrapping the gifts that need to be shipped to loved ones far away. Next on my list is the gingerbread ornaments to hang on the kids' tree. I'll have to wait to tackle that one until after our trip with the cousins this weekend. But all the other Christmas decorations are up and sparkling.

So all in all, I think I'm in a pretty good position to have a more restful Christmas season this year. That means I should have ample extra time to write here.

lessons

2009-06-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

School's only been out for a little over a week, yet it feels like we plunged fully into summer, like being pushed into the deep end of the pool without a chance to take a breath and brace yourself. I love this time of year, when the girls are unrestricted by any schedule (except mine) and they get to stay up later and spend more leisure time with the family and friends they love. The summer also poses some challenges, as I still have to work and the lure of spending the carefree days with them is sometimes overwhelming. Still, they have a pretty diverse schedule, spending time with their cousins at my sister's house and with friends at some day camps here and there.

But before we are knee deep in summer pleasures I wanted to take a moment to record the lessons that this school year brought us. Not so much the academic lessons, but the life ones. Because this year we changed schools and then changed back mid-year. And at the time it was difficult to see the lesson in that, other than that parents sometimes make mistakes and we need to be big enough to admit them. But as the school year came to a close, Sydney shared with me that she feels she grew spiritually this year because of that experience. She says she learned that she doesn't need to fit in with a particular group of friends just because it seems "the thing to do" and that she is more confident in declining to go along with the group and branching out on her own than she was before. Seems like a pretty timely lesson, with middle school just around the corner.

And so we forge ahead into summer. I do have a few academic goals in mind, such as teaching Tess her multiplication tables, and our table is stacked with library books that we are reading like crazy. But mostly I just want to enjoy this time, mindful of the fact that in a few more years this kind of summer, where I can orchestrate their activities and they are happy enough just to spend a day at home with us, will only exist in my memory.

mother's day

2009-05-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

It was a great Mother's Day weekend. It has occurred to me that the girls are at the perfect age to really make Mother's Day a lot of fun. They are old enough to understand the concept of honoring mom on her special day yet still young enough to wholeheartedly jump in and participate.

Sydney had spotted a gift she wanted to give me at a local store several weeks ago, and after several cryptic phone calls between our house and grandma's she managed to secure the desired item by sending her grandmother to purchase it for her. Tess was less sneaky but nevertheless arranged a shopping trip for herself with her grandma to select and purchase the perfect gift. Apparently when they got to the store my mom discovered Tess had $30 of her own money wadded up in her pocket. Imagine her delight when the lotion set she wanted to buy turned out to be on sale for only $8!

The three of them (my mom and my daughters) returned to my house and holed up in the girls' bedroom wrapping the treasures. I think the girls were more excited for me to open them than I was! And so I received a lovely coffee mug filled with chocolates and a body wash/lotion set in a beautiful tropical print cosmetic bag. And the absolute gift of seeing the girls' true delight at giving me things they picked out and paid for themselves.

The things I received are lovely, but the feeling of being so loved by my daughters is priceless.

another birthday

2009-04-03T06:16:00.000-07:00

This time of year is birthday-crazy, with both girls celebrating the momentous occasion within a few short weeks of each other. Today is Sydney's birthday. She is 11. A classic stereotypical oldest child, she seems more young woman than little girl. She thinks and interacts easily on an adult level. The glimpses of the little girl are getting rarer and, sadly, they catch me more by surprise these days.

I love this girl madly. At times she is so much my mirror that it scares me -- her perfectionism, her stubbornness, her determination to excel. In other ways I wonder where she came from, this child who doesn't know a stranger and can easily engage anyone in conversation, who has no fear of performing, who is graceful and seems able to easily master all things artistic.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl. It is my great gift to watch you grow up.

getting the pointe

2009-03-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

My oldest has reached a monumental point in her ballet career. Last week she passed the test to get her pointe shoes. While I have some mixed feelings about the timing of all this (the teacher suggested that some parents whose daughters earn pointe shoes in the spring choose to make them wait until the fall to actually get the shoes), I am extremely proud. Not just because she passed the test, but because of the dedication she has shown over the last few months in working toward this goal.

Sydney has never been one to work too hard toward anything. She is one of those people who seems to have a natural affinity for most things she tries, thus negating the need to work too hard right away. Her track record up to this point has been that once she reaches the point where she might have to actually expend some effort to excel at a given skill, she loses interest and moves on to the next thing. It has long been my wish for her that she would love something enough to really work at it.

Ballet was never Sydney's dream. In fact, the day she started ballet class we were actually there for her sister. After watching the younger kids' class and learning there was a class for her age level starting next, Syd insisted on giving it a try. The teacher acquiesced to a trial lesson, even though we hadn't come prepared with tights, leotard, or the proper shoes. So Syd approached the barre in her school uniform and socks and I've been paying for 2 kids to attend ballet class ever since. A few years later, the teacher from that day told me that she will never forget Sydney's first ballet lesson.

So it's five years later and Syd attends 3 classes a week, even "helping" as a role model for the younger kids' class. The harder the techniques get, the more she seems determined to master them. She started taking the pointe test a couple of months ago, mainly as a means of having her teacher show her the techniques she needed to work on. I think she has taken the pointe test at every class for the past month. Last Wednesday night I went to pick her up and found her to be the last one in the studio, asking to take the pointe test yet again. The teacher agreed and, lo and behold, she passed! I've not seen my child so excited about something in a while. She came home and burned up the phone lines, calling everyone she could think of. I barely got her into bed.

So it seems she's found something she loves enough to work at. She often complains of sore legs and feet after class, but she never talks about quitting. I know the pointe shoes will present a new level of difficulty, and I think they may be more frustrating to learn to use properly than she realizes. But I am happy to see her finally buy-in to the process of becoming better through determination and effort. It's a lesson she's needed to learn for a long time, and one that will serve her well in the future.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

8 years ago tonight our family was completed. Tess entered the world and took her rightful place as "the baby." Over the last 8 years, she has been the one to challenge us with her quirky requirements (like her quest for the perfect sock placement, her need for "soft" clothing and wide shoes so her toes can move, and her aversion to hairbrushing - just to name a few), antagonize and yet idolize her sister, and melt our hearts with her sweet, loving spirit. She is a homebody, a reader and thinker, and a tenderhearted, sensitive girl.

It is hard to believe that 8 years can pass so quickly. Happy Birthday, my sweet baby.

a look back

2009-01-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

I have to admit the holiday season got away from me. It was fun and remains my very favorite time of the year but I constantly felt like I was behind, and I think I had a grand total of one day during the month of December when I felt like everything was under control, my house was clean, and I could relax. So here we are at January 7th and I realize I have not blogged at all in a very long time. Before the new year gets underway in full-swing, I want to take a moment to record some of my favorite moments of Christmas 2008 and also to make a short list of things I want to do differently next year.

My favorite moments of the holidays this year:

- Receiving an unexpected birthday gift in early December from my friend Barbi -- a Christmas cd that I instantly loved and played all through the season.

- A weekend trip with my sister and her family so the kids could attend a holiday lights event at an amusement park together.

- The Nutcracker, which has become a holiday tradition in this house. I first took my oldest when she was 3. She is now 10 and both she and her sister perform in our local ballet troupe's performance. This year we took the girls to watch a professional performance of The Nutcracker in a nearby city, and they loved it. Even my husband commented that it doesn't seem like Christmas until we see The Nutcracker.

-My cookie party. This year I tried something new and hosted a cookie exchange. Even though it was one more thing jammed into an already overcrowded month, the party turned out great and everybody seemed to have a nice, relaxing time.

- Christmas Eve. I love Christmas Eve. This year's best memory is that of my youngest daughter's sweet face illuminated by candlelight as she wholeheartedly sang Christmas carols at our church's candlelight service.

-The letter I got from Santa this year. On Christmas morning there were two letters left next to the plate of cookie crumbs on the hearth. They were neatly typed and decorated with stickers, addressed to me and to my husband, commending each of us for the great parents we are because we always spend time with our kids and teach them about God. Apparently my oldest had been working on this project for weeks without me knowing.

- My dad's reaction to a book my girls wrote and illustrated for him for Christmas. "Do you like it?" I called to him over the chaos of excited kids and flying wrapping paper on Christmas Day. He nodded and choked out a "yes," and I realized that he was trying to not to cry.

- That my girls got to bring a friend to our family New Year's Eve bowling, pizza, and game night. They had a great time and didn't even complain (that much) when we headed for home before midnight.

Things I want to try/try to do differently next year:

- Christmas cards. I need to revamp my card situation. I have fallen into the habit of making my cards, which I love to do and most people love to receive, but this year I started the process way too late and it became the single most stressful thing about the season. So for next year I am resolved to either start making the cards early or not at all.

-Gingerbread ornaments. I came across a recipe for gingerbread cookie cutouts that I would dearly love to make and hang on the kids' tree in my family room. I got the idea way too late this year, but my sister and I are resolved to make this our Thanksgiving Day craft in 2009 so that they'll be ready for use during this Christmas season.

-Less gifts. Every year I resolve to buy less for my kids and every year I end up with more stuff than before. This year I want to propose an idea that we take on a family project of consciously planning to receive less and giving more to some type of Christian charity effort. I have not approached the girls with this idea but am hoping that it will be well-received. For now I'm trying to figure out the logistics of how it would actually work.

So goodbye 2008. Hello 2009.

gratitude challenge wrap-up - day 30

2008-11-30T21:19:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for the season of Thanksgiving and the fact that this gratitude challenge has truly shown me how much I have to be thankful for each day -- even on the really bad days. In the beginning it was sometimes challenging to find something to focus my gratitude on each day, but in the last week or so my problem has been more of deciding which thing to single out each day. So I guess the challenge worked, in the sense that it conditioned me to recognize the blessings in my life more readily than I was doing before. I think, however, that it also showed me that while I have much to be thankful for, I do not always live as if that were the case. Merely recognizing my blessings does not always translate into living out my gratitude, especially as that concerns those closest to me. And for that I am sorry. So as I enter the Christmas season, which in and of itself highlights the greatest Gift given to man, my prayer is that I would acknowledge my many blessings not only in words but in attitude and actions as well.

gratitude challenge day 29

2008-11-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

Today I am deeply thankful for the precious Holy Spirit and the conviction of sin He brings that leads to repentance. This week I was convicted of some habits -- one in particular -- that I need to abandon. While I'm the first to admit that it is no fun to feel the weight of the Holy Spirit's conviction, it is also such a blessing because it reminds me that God cares; that He is dealing with me; and that He is true to His promise never to let me go. Last night Sydney joyfully told me -- in different words than I'm going to use to express what she said -- that she has begun to feel the weight of her conscience immediately when she does something wrong, and how she is thankful that God sees fit to deal with her so directly at such a young age. She perceives that many kids her age, as well as teenagers, don't appear to hear or heed the warnings of conscience anymore, and she, like me, is so thankful to feel the hand of God in her life.

gratitude challenge day 28

2008-11-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for holiday traditions. This morning Sydney and I ventured out to brave the "Black Friday" crowds at Target at 6 a.m. We went more out of tradition than need, as my Christmas shopping is basically done. It was fun to see the crowds stretching around the building, anxious to get in. It was a good lesson for Sydney in greed, materialism, and the silliness of it all. Afterward we had a relaxing breakfast at our favorite hangout, Panera. It was a fun outing, although significantly scaled down from some of the post-Thanksgiving shopping I've done in past years (one year I accompanied my sister an an all-day Black Friday shopping trip in which she attempted to accomplish the entirety of her Christmas shopping on that day). But it was good to approach the day from the standpoint of tradition rather than frenzy and to put the whole materialism-of-Christmas thing in perspective. Most of all, it was fun to do it together, and I think Sydney felt special being able to share the morning with me.

gratitude challenge day 27: Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

When she got up this morning, Tess sat down at the table and made a list of all the things she is thankful for. I can't do better than this, so I thought I'd post her list today:

"I'm thankful to Jesus for . . .

My family
My violin
My teachers
My schools
My clothes
Religious freedom
My Bible
My toys
Food & water
My house
Education
Love
Music
God
Church
Weather
Democracy
Help from family
Laws
Pets
Pastors
Prayer
Friends"

Happy Thanksgiving!

gratitude challenge day 26

2008-11-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am thankful for the ministry of my local church. Our church really puts things in perspective by holding services on every holiday, reminding us that Christ should always be our focus. We attended a lovely Thanksgiving service tonight and look forward to other special services on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The holiday season is much more meaningful -- and peaceful -- when we keep the Reason at the center.

gratitude challenge day 25

2008-11-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for my good friend, Patti, who has the gift of being so helpful, especially in the little details. She is thoughtful in ways that I never even think of, like doing errands she knows I won't get around to or offering to take my kids to school on my day off - so that I don't have to get dressed all day if I don't want to. Most of all, she loves my girls and they love her, and I never think twice when they are in her care. She is the kind of friend who defines the true meaning of friendship, and everyone should be so blessed as to have such a person in their lives.

gratitude challenge day 24

2008-11-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a long day, with work and motherhood and bible study responsibilities all overlapping to keep me running from one thing to the next. But it's a holiday week, which means tomorrow is my "Friday" for work purposes. So today I am thankful for the gift of anticipation - that special ability to be able to look past the not-so-pleasant present toward a better future. Isn't that a big part of a Christian's worldview anyway?

And I am thankful for the gift of unexpected laughter that I found with my fellow BSF leaders tonight. It ended a long day on a light note.

gratitude challenge day 23

2008-11-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

It seems only fitting that I spend one of my gratitude entries appreciating the very nice bloggers I have met since I've been posting here. It is so amazing to be able to connect with people I have much in common with but would never otherwise know if not for the wonder of the blogosphere. Some of the wonderful women I have come to consider my "internet friends" include Chel at Chasing Contentment (who just made me some beautiful bracelets - go check out her jewelry shop!) and Jennifer at Snapshot (we happen to be involved in the same Bible study, just from opposite ends of the U.S.). I am thankful for the opportunity to know them, and for the encouragement, smiles, and sense of camaraderie I have received from visiting their blogs.

gratitude challenge day 22

2008-11-22T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today was supposed to be a fun day out with my sister. We had planned to go to the movies and lunch in celebration of our respective birthdays, and then we had an appointment to take our kids for a cousins Christmas photo at the mall. Well, the movie was good - except for the minor fender bender we had leaving the parking lot -- and lunch was fine, and the photos turned out well, except that the whole mall experience was way too stressful for both us and the kids, especially after such a full day. I had not realized until today that the holiday crowds are already in full swing. So while I am thankful for the fun of the early part of the day, I am most thankful to be reminded that I have a nice, quiet, uncrowded place to come home to. And I am thankful right now to be home.

gratitude challenge day 21

2008-11-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm thankful for the fact that I get a break from early morning BSF leaders tomorrow, which means I'm not required to get up while it's still dark. I love leaders' meetings, but it is nice to have a Friday night stretch ahead of me without knowing I have to get to bed early. We spent a nice night shopping and eating out as a family.

gratitude challenge day 20

2008-11-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for a quiet, uneventful, regular day at work after the busyness of the last few days. I complain about my job A LOT but in truth I am thankful to have it and to have the flexibility it affords me to do all the other stuff I need to do.

gratitude challenge day 19

2008-11-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

I have a funny mix of things to be thankful for today.

I'm thankful that my daughter's little hamster appears to be feeling better. We were worried that the poor thing might be leaving us, and I really wasn't looking forward to dealing with Tess's grief on that count.

Also, today was another travel day for work - this time with a group from my firm to attend a holiday dinner event with some clients. That might sound like a fun outing to some people, but it's pretty painful for me. I'm not a social person, and it is very difficult for me to find a sufficient number of "small talk" subjects to sustain me through a long cocktail hour. So tonight I'm thankful that the cocktail hour was shorter than usual, my assigned dinner companions were pretty easy to talk to, and the whole thing wrapped up earlier than I thought it would. And I made it home. And it's OVER.

gratitude challenge day 18

2008-11-18T20:16:00.001-08:00

Today was a travel day for work. I always get a little stressed on a day like this because of traffic and directions (which I am pretty bad at following) and the fear of getting lost and being late (both of which I do on a pretty consistent basis). But today went smoothly, with not as much traffic as I thought, and I actually ended up finishing my business and heading home earlier than hoped.

So today I am thankful for God's protection and care for me, even in the small details like finding a suitable parking spot, and for the faithful prayers of my husband, my kids, and my BSF group. They held me up today, and even in the midst of all the stresses I had peace.

gratitude challenge day 17

2008-11-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for my Bible. That I can hold God's words in my hands and read His instructions for my life is an amazing privilege that I so often take for granted. In these uncertain and increasingly hostile times, I am reassured that God's standards don't change, and He promises that His word will endure.

gratitude challenge day 16

2008-11-16T19:43:00.000-08:00

This afternoon the girls and I met a friend and her daughter to paint Christmas ornaments at our local pottery place. I am thankful for a relaxing outing with good friends, who are comfortable talking about anything or nothing, and a chance to be creative and encourage creativity in my girls.

On a humorous note: As we drove home the girls started bickering, a common occurrence that gets on my nerves and usually leads to some extreme whining on the part of my youngest. As Tess launched into her usual "poor me" routine, Sydney sharply reprimanded her, "Tess, you're always groaning -- just like the Israelites!" Now that was one I didn't see coming.

gratitude challenge day 15

2008-11-15T18:20:00.001-08:00

I'm not proud of myself today. I've been in a bad mood and have lashed out at everyone around me. What can I be thankful for on such a day? Well, forgiveness I guess. My family hasn't thrown me out in the street yet. And after this sort of a day it's good to remember (though hard to understand) that God loves me, no matter how unlovable I act, and offers me a clean slate. That's actually a lot to be thankful for. And I am.

gratitude challenge day 14

2008-11-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am thankful that my daughters are always happy to see me at the end of the day. Their warm welcome has a way of putting everything else in perspective.

gratitude challenge day 13

2008-11-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today I am so thankful for dear friends who I've known forever yet become more precious to me with the passage of time. Tonight I had dinner with two of my oldest friends, Lysa and Tamara. The three of us met sometime in the early 90's when we all happened to work at the same downtown law firm. Many of our shared memories and jokes hearken back to those days. But over time each of these 2 have become so much more than work colleagues to me.

Lysa eventually got married and moved to Minnesota; Tamara left the firm, went back to school on the East Coast to get her Master's, and now lives about 2 hours away from me with her husband and two adorable boys. I'm still where I always was, since I seem to be incapable of change. Anyway, the three of us try to get together for a girls' dinner whenever Lysa comes to town, and tonight was the first night in a year that we were able to do so.

How precious it is to spend time with people who basically know your whole story. These women have been with me through a large percentage of my life. They oohed and aahed at the birth of my kids. They've listened to my whining about the dysfunction in my family. They've heard about my job frustrations more times than I can count. The two of them had a big part in holding me up last year when I quit my job, and then ended up not quitting my job after a month of indecision and stress. And I know that over the years I've been able to do the same for them in a bunch of situations too.

So today I am deeply grateful for the gift of friendship. And for the opportunity to reconnect. And for the bonds of memory, shared experiences, and love that stretch over time and distance to keep us connected.

gratitude challenge day 12

2008-11-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

This week I learned that my child sponsorship relationship with a little girl in Honduras has ended due to World Vision's completion of their project in her community. It has been my privilege to sponsor this child for the past 6 years, and our family is sad to be losing contact with her.

I used this opportunity, however, to choose another child to sponsor through Compassion. Now each of the four members of our family has our own sponsored child through Compassion, and we are privileged to know that our little bit of support touches lives in Haiti, Thailand, Uganda, and India.

So today I am thankful for the opportunity to touch someone else's life across the globe through the faithful dedication of organizations like Compassion and World Vision.

gratitude challenge day 11

2008-11-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

Wow, Day 11 already. It's not only hard for me to believe that I've actually stuck with this gratitude thing for 11 days straight, but also simply that it's already the 11th of November! Time is flying this year.

Today I'm grateful for my dad, not only because he's always been a fabulous father but because he outdoes himself in the role of grandpa, or "Pawkin, " as all the grandkids call him. (The "Pawkin" thing started with my youngest, Tess, who we think was trying to mimic his habit of calling her "Pumpkin." As soon as she could talk, my dad was "Pawkin" to her -- and to every one of my nieces and nephews since.)

My girls get out of school at noon for the rest of this week, and my dad is so gracious to pick them up and entertain them so I don't have to miss work. His regular routine is to pick them up from school on Thursdays, and the girls so look forward to their time together that if I happen to show up on a Thursday they are way underwhelmed to see me.

He is every bit the stereotypical doting grandfather, and I so appreciate his love for my kids, and for me.

gratitude challenge day 10

2008-11-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

I have much to be thankful for today. After a miserable first quarter at a new school, we re-enrolled the girls at their former school and they started there today. I'm so thankful for the many friendly faces that greeted them -- and me-- and the ease with which they appear to have slipped back into their old routines.

I'm also thankful for the the opportunity to witness spiritual growth in my children. Tonight after BSF, Sydney told me how she realized that the reason for the daily discussion questions is not to impress the teacher or the other kids with her answers, but to cause her to grow closer to God.

Overall, a happy and significant day in the lives of my children. And I am grateful.

gratitude challenge day 9

2008-11-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for the ease and enjoyment of an unstructured day. We ended up taking a short shopping trip out of town in the morning and relaxing around the house in the afternoon. It was nice just to be together without a schedule to keep. On the way back from our little trip we managed to take a detour and actually get lost -- on a route my husband drives to/from work every day -- but even that episode added to the adventure and fun of the day.

gratitude challenge day 8

2008-11-08T05:48:00.000-08:00

Before this day even really begins, I know what I am thankful for. Because today is my sister's birthday, so it makes perfect sense to use today to appreciate her presence in my life.

Being sisters is a love-hate thing. That fact, which I know well from my own experience, is confirmed for me every day in the lives of my own 2 girls. I often tell my girls that I know it can be frustrating to have a sister but that someday they will be thankful for each other and be each other's best friends. This comment is usually met by a lot of eye rolling. But they can't deny the fact that my sister and I are, for the most part, good friends, and we travelled a pretty rocky road to get to this place.

My sister is not at all like me, and the differences were even more stark during our teenage and young adult years. But time and maturity has smoothed over a lot of the rough places, and we have learned the value of just being honest with each other and appreciating the fact that we see many things differently but we have much in common too.

So happy birthday to my sister, the girl who knows more about me than any other woman on the face of the earth -- and loves me anyway.

gratitude challenge day 7

2008-11-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for crisp fall sunshine, for ipod music played really loud in the car, and for a cinnamon crunch bagel with hazelnut cream cheese from Panera. Mostly I'm thankful it's Friday.

gratitude challenge day 6

2008-11-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for the pleasure of a carefree day. I took a vacation day and joined my mom and her work colleagues on their annual Christmas shopping trip. My Christmas shopping is basically already done, but it was a nice treat to spend a sunny fall day out shopping, having lunch, and laughing with a group of like-minded women. As a bonus, I somehow managed to spend only $24 all day and also enjoyed the discovery of an enchanting new store, Teavana.

gratitude challenge day 5

2008-11-05T18:15:00.000-08:00

I pretty much knew what I'd be thankful for today; it's what I'm thankful for every Wednesday. And actually there were a number of things today that I could choose from, but I'm sticking with my original thought. I am so thankful for Tess's violin teacher, who insists on excellence but encourages and praises her students in such a genuine way. Tess looks forward to violin each week, practices faithfully, and really loves her newfound talent. I recognize that much of her enthusiasm is due to her wonderful teacher, and I am thankful for that each time we go to a lesson.

gratitude challenge day 4

2008-11-04T22:12:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for my dear husband. I'm thankful for him everyday, but today I really thought about why. He is so solid. He is truly the anchor of our family. The way his mind works amazes me. He processes information very differently from me, yet he seems to have such clarity about things once he's analyzed them. He likes to say he thinks "outside the box." I think that's probably very true.

He is a wonderful spiritual leader. In the years we've been married he's grown so much in his faith and knowledge of God. He studies hard to increase that knowledge, and when I question something he usually has an answer. It is a treat for me when I come across a piece of information he doesn't know.

He is insightful and discerning about people, issues, and circumstances. It's the kind of thing where I'll struggle with how to handle a situation and he'll come up with something that seems completely off-the-wall, but as things develop it usually turns out he was right. I think the difference is that my first instinct is always to address the symptoms of a situation, while he looks past the specifics to the underlying cause or motivation.

He is God's gift to me in a hundred different ways, and I don't appreciate him enough. But I am grateful for him today. Thanks for always being there, K. I love you.

gratitude challenge day 3

2008-11-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a tough day. It was the kind of day that I would normally be glad to have over and forget. But toward the end of the day I remembered that I can't let this day pass from existence without finding one thing to be grateful for. And once I started thinking about it, I actually found more than one! And then the day didn't seem so bad after all.

So today I am thankful for my friend Barbi, who is unlike me in almost every way except that she loves Jesus and her kids, and somehow those similarities make up for all the differences. She encouraged me today in the midst of a difficult situation. She let me pour out my worries. She didn't have the answer, but she listened. She didn't minimize the problem or try to impose what she thought I should do. She made me laugh. And at the end of our short time together, I felt better.

gratitude challenge day 2

2008-11-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today the girls and I attended church twice. Tess's school choir sang a special number at the church affiliated with the girls' school (which happens not to be our regular church), so we attended that service and then hurried over to attend bible class and service with our own church family.

I began to think about how blessed we are to live in a country where the freedom to attend church openly - and as often as you like -- is still so prevalent that most people take it for granted. I thought about Christians in other countries who suffer persecution for meeting together and many times are unable to do so, even secretly. And I said a prayer of thanks for the years of God's favor that we as a country have experienced.

30 days of gratitude

2008-11-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I read this idea in a magazine; it was actually presented as a scrapbooking idea but I have decided to transform it into a blog challege for myself. The "idea" is to chronicle one thing that you are thankful for each day during the month of November. The article promoted the idea of taking a photo a day of something/someone you are thankful for, but I think that might be too ambitious for me. So my goal is just to find one thing each day and record it here. Now, I know I have sooo much more than 30 things to be thankful for, but sometimes I think I get so focused on everything I think is wrong -- with the world, with my job, with my family, with my house, etc etc etc -- that I'm sure there are many days that pass without my actually experiencing any feelings of gratitude of all. Maybe that's why this idea appeals to me. They say it takes 3 weeks to form a new habit. I'm thinking after 30 days of looking for reasons to be grateful, I might have a better outlook on life.

So - here we go. The items are going to be random, not in order of importance or anything like that. My idea is simply to focus on one thing each day.

And today I am grateful for my BSF leaders' group. These are 20-some women who are my sisters in Christ, some of whom I know and love well, others of whom I know only from their interaction in our weekly Saturday morning study. Each of them is a blessing, an encouragement, and a godly example to me. They remind me each week that I am not alone in the struggle to become more like Christ in a world that is farther from Him than ever.

sisterly love

2008-10-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

We've had a bit of a challenge with sibling rivalry lately. Actually, I don't know if sibling rivalry is the right word for it, but I'm not sure how else to put it. In a nutshell, the 10 year old is merciless in picking on her younger sister. I think as Tess, who is 7, has grown more independent as an individual, her sister is feeling a little bit threatened, like maybe she isn't the queen bee in the family after all. And while I'm the first to admit that little sisters can be endlessly annoying, there are certain things that just can't be tolerated. Like physical violence. The problem up to this point has been that the only reports we've had of these episodes are the exaggerated versions of the victim ("She hit me; she punched me; she's trying to kill me.")

So yesterday, when I actually had occasion to witness Sydney snap the end of a pair of pants across the room to smack her sister, I finally got my chance to institute some consequences. Syd lost TV privileges for the day, and Tess, finally having been vindicated, was sweetly sympathetic to her poor sister's plight and even admitted -- a little -- to having some role in provoking the "attack." Ah, sisterhood.

Of course the physical actions are not all I'm hoping will change. I do want my girls to be friends, although I realize that may be a long time coming. We still have the teen years to endure, after all.

In any case, by last night they were getting along well and Tess even gave up her own interest in TV to join her exiled sister, who was scrapbooking in the playroom. Tess found a nice picture of the two of them from a couple of years ago and pasted it on a page and brought it to me to display her work. Across the top was a handwritten title, "Sisterly Love for 1 Second." Sydney did not appreciate the humor in this, but I had to laugh. In this hostile environment, you've got to get your chuckles where you can.

Classics Club: Jane Eyre

2008-10-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

My review of Jane Eyre starts with a funny story. I always believed I had read this book before, either in childhood or high school. When the Classics Club at 5 Minutes for Books picked it to read during September, I figured it had been awhile so I'd enjoy reading it again. Once I got about a third of the way into the book, I realized nothing in the story was at all familiar to me. I had no idea how it would end. How thrilling to actually read such a famous book for the first time! I have since learned that there are about a dozen movie versions of the book floating around, and I somehow managed to get this far in life without encountering any of those either! So for me this was a completely new story and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Now for the review:

I see why people describe this book as an early piece of feminist literature. In an age where a woman's identity and future security, both financial and emotional, depended almost entirely on landing the right husband, Bronte created a female character who learned early in life and through very unfortunate circumstances to depend on no one but herself. And maybe God, as there is the thread of religion throughout the book and the suggestion that Jane found some of her solitary resolve in a dependence on religious morals, if not an actual relationship with God.

I thought the characters were well-developed. The writing was a bit obsequious and hard to get used to in some spots, but there was good dimension to the characters. Even the evil Aunt Reed showed some humanity and insight into her nasty actions near the end of the book. I thought the fact that Jane was able to let go of her long-harbored bitterness toward her aunt for her ill-treatment showed that Jane had that insight into her motivations as well. Thus, while certain of the "evil" characters never became likeable, they were not flat.

One of my favorite characters was Helen Burns, the dying girl who befriended Jane at boarding school. I thought she was a beautifully rendered character and an almost other-wordly model of peace in the face of affliction. I think it was Helen's example and faith that helped to create Jane's moral compass for her own later actions.

Of course the big romance of the story centers around Jane's love for Mr. Rochester and the seemingly hopeless twist of fate that drives them apart. Ms. Bronte's description of Jane's outward resolve as contrasted against her inner feelings in this situation are particularly moving. Not knowing if Jane would ever finally end up with her true love -- while at the same time wondering if that would really be the best thing for her anyway -- was what drove me to read compulsively toward the conclusion. I found the end result satisfying. While Rochester might not have turned out to be the best husband for Jane when they first met, the heart-rending circumstances that transpired after Jane left him changed, softened and humbled him to the point where he was a wonderful match for Jane when they met again.

I found this a truly enjoyable and moving story. Thanks to 5 Minutes for Books for finally giving me a reason to read it!

blogging through Bible study: Weeks 3 & 4

2008-10-06T07:21:00.001-07:00

I failed to post week 3 so am combining it into this week. The last 2 weeks have covered Moses' murder of an Egyptian and subsequent his flight into the desert, where he settled and began a family, his encounter with God at the burning bush, and his reunion with his brother Aaron as he journeyed back to Egypt to carry out God's plan to deliver the Israelites.

The theme from last week's lesson, which focused mainly on Moses jumping ahead of God's plan and allowing his own idea of justice through violence to land him in a bad spot, was actually a very encouraging one. God is not defeated when fail. While we look back at Moses as a great leader and revere him almost to the point of losing sight of his humanity, he was a sinful creature - just as we are. He had a tendency to do the wrong thing - just as we do. And his rash act of murder -- even though motivated by compassion for his own people -- did not constitute the method or the timing God had in mind for the deliverance of Israel.

Nevertheless, God still carried out His perfect plan, and He still used Moses to do it. For me, this was a wonderful reminder of God's sovereignty in all things. When I make a big mess of something, His purpose is not thwarted. He doesn't have to hold a brainstorming session to figure out how to bail me out, or how to get the job done in spite of me. He knows the end from the beginning. He sees it all at once. I have only to trust Him. How humbling that my part is so small, yet from my perspective it still seems so daunting.

OK, on to this week, which centered around the well-known story of the burning bush and Moses' many reasons for why he shouldn't be the one to deliver Israel. Of course he finally obeys and heads back to Egypt to carry out God's orders. The theme here is obvious, but it is no less meaningful because of it. When God calls us to do something for Him, He equips us. Just as last week's lesson taught, God's plan will succeed in spite of us. He actually doesn't need us at all. That He chooses to use us to carry out any small task for Him is a privilege, a blessing, and chance for us as Christians to prove to ourselves, through our obedience, that we do belong to Him. In that light, the excuses we offer are pathetic and comical, just as the ones Moses offered were.

What a great study. I'm really enjoying it so far. It is fascinating to take Bible stories that are so familiar and really dissect them to see the ageless lessons God's word holds for His people.

I Read It!

2008-09-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

I've been saving this review for this carnival from 5 Minutes for Books. The idea is to tell about a book you read because of a recommendation on their site. This is one that I obtained for my daughter and also read for myself based on Carrie's description and approval.

The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart is a wonderful, engaging story about a narcoleptic genius who recruits orphaned or otherwise rejected children to perform a secret mission, with the safety of the world hanging in the balance. The book is well-written, the characters are quirky and interesting, and the story is engaging. There are a lot of mysterious aspects to the story that kept both my daughter and me guessing about how things would finally turn out. There are perilous situations, but not so scary as to keep my daughter up at night. The overall tone is one of a fun adventure story with a lot of puzzle-like twists that challenge your brain. To say more about the details might ruin the fun of reading it for someone else, which I would never want to do.

The overriding themes of the book are positive. I read somewhere that the author intended to write a story showing that kids can do great and important things, and that message certainly comes through. While I have no idea if the author maintains a Christian worldview, there are a lot of Christian themes that can be drawn from the story as well. My daughter even picked up on this thread and commented on it. Her overall take on the book was that it was fun to read and taught that every one is special and it's important to work as a team.

I loved this book for the sheer fun of the story as much as for the empowering message it sends to kids. We are currently in the midst of the sequel and enjoying it every bit as much!

Thanks for the recommendation, Carrie!

the cricket

2008-09-28T06:46:00.000-07:00

I've come to the end of my patience with "critters" creeping into the house. Somehow this has been the summer for it. For example, a couple of weeks ago we spent a lively evening chasing a lizard around the family room. Nothing like a rogue reptile to bring a family together.

Our latest adventure in "bringing the outdoors in" has involved a very noisy cricket taking up residence in our heating/air conditioning system. It took us a long time - and a lot of moving furniture - to figure this out, as the chirping would move around to various rooms. Finally one day I figured out that the chirping was quieter if I closed the vent in the room where I heard it. Relieved that the insect was not actually in the house, we figured it was OK where it was and would eventually either find its own way out or perish from starvation.

Fat chance. Apparently these things can live on dirt or whatever other disgusting particles float through the HVAC system. Because the chirping got louder and more prolonged as the days went on. That lovely chirp that sounds so nice when you're spending a lazy sumer evening out on the patio is beyond annoying when it's inside the house at full volume during all hours of the day and night.

One morning this week my husband shined a flashlight down into the vent in the family room and actually saw the little noisemaker. His plan was to grab a can of bug spray of some sort and spray the cricket. (I was a little skeptical of this plan, mostly because removing the vent cover meant our little friend might actually jump into the house. Never mind the ramifications of spraying poison into the ventilation system. )

As we were debating this plan, our 7 year old appeared in the kitchen doorway. Upon noticing the loud (and I do mean LOUD) chirping, she made a beeline for the vent, where she proceeded to call in an even louder voice, "Keep singing, cricket! I like your beautiful music!"

Ah, the innocence of childhood. I'm convinced that if Tess actually saw the cricket she would not be so enamored of him. (This is the girl whose bloodcurdling screaming brought her father running in from outside one night to find that she had simply spotted a spider in the bathroom.) But from its invisible hideout, she only came to know the cricket by his beautiful music. There must be some sort of lesson there in looking beyond appearances, but it just seems silly to try to see something profound in this situation.

Ultimately, the cricket met his end. At least that's what we surmise by his silence. Beautiful, peaceful silence.

refuge

2008-09-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not much for keeping up with the news. For the most part, it unnerves and/or irritates me. I generally let my husband track the news and fill me in on what's going on. Sometimes even his summary reports make me nervous. In an election year, the irritation/fear factor rises even higher.

Last evening my husband and I were having a discussion about the sorry financial state of the country, and I felt that familiar surge of dread well up inside. Sometimes it seems that things are so out of control that there is no hope for the future. I don't want to think about what that means for my children.

Here's the amazing part. Right in the middle of this conversation, Sydney came over and stood next to the table where we were talking. I asked her what she needed, and she responded that she had finished learning her memory verse for the week and wanted to recite it. I said OK, and here's what she said:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
(Psalm 46:1-2)

I complimented her on her memory skill, but I was struck by the timing of that message right to the situation I was in. The nervousness went away. In my focus on the depth of humanity's problems I had forgotten the big picture. He's in control. I belong to Him. And even if the earth gives way around me, He's still there.

what's on my nightstand

2008-09-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

Time to report on what we're currently reading and plan to read for the next month at 5 Minutes' for Books' "What's on my Nightstand" carnival.

I'm happy to report I actually read 2 out of the 3 books on my list for September.

The Consolations of Imperfection was an interesting read, although I found it depressing in some places. The premise was to take the different areas of life where we encounter imperfection and see how imperfection actually should draw us closer to God and strengthen our faith. While I liked the overall theme, the underlying message-- that we fight against our imperfections primarily due to an overwhelming fear of death--was a little heavy-handed for me. While I don't doubt that there is truth in the author's conclusions, I found the constant discussion of the fear of death, and the desperation of our attempts to convince ourselves that we can stave off death, and the inevitability of death despite our fears and flailings to prevent it -- just a tad on the morbid side. That probably means that I am in denial and need to acknowledge and face my own such fears. Anyway.

The best thing I took away from the book was a new appreciation for the value of each moment. The author penned a beautiful description of how we constantly race from one thing to the other, wishing the moment we're in away in order to exchange it for a future one, until finally there are no moments left and we haven't really savored any of them. That concept rang very true for me at this particular stage of my life, and I have made an effort to slow down and commit to whatever moment I'm in, whether it be sitting at ballet practice or listening to my daughter do her reading homework, or simply being at home with my family on a Saturday afternoon, in recognition of the fact that life passes so quickly.

The other book I read was The Mysterious Benedict Society, but because I read it on the recommendation of a post at 5M4B, I'm saving the review for the "I Read It!" carnival at on the last Tuesday of the month.

As for future goals, I just joined Katrina's Fall Reading Challenge at Callapidder Days, so my October reads will be some combination of books of off this list. I'll report on which ones I read in next month's Nightstand post.

Happy Fall, everyone. Click over to see what other people are reading.

blogging through Bible study: Week 2

2008-09-22T06:40:00.001-07:00

This week's lesson was Exodus 2:1-10, which tells the story of Moses' birth and how his mother placed him in a watertight basket in the Nile to escape the king's death edict for all Hebrew boys. The king's daughter discovers the child and ends up hiring his own mother to be his nurse and basically to raise him for the first few years of his life.

There are a million profound lessons in this short passage, but the one that struck a chord with me this week was God's tender compassion for Jochebed, Moses' mother. As a mother, the prospect of placing a helpless infant in a little boat and setting him afloat is beyond comprehension. Faced with an impossible situation, Jochebed did all she knew to do to protect her child, but at some point she had to release him - knowing that there were countless potential dangers that she couldn't control. How tortured those minutes must have been after she released that little boat into the river.

Of course, God always has a plan. Moses is discovered, the Pharoah's daughter takes a liking to him, and his safety is pretty much guaranteed at that point. But the most amazing part of the story for me is not that God spared Moses. Of course, that would be enough. Faced with the prospect of losing her tiny son forever, I'm sure Jochebed would have been mightily relieved to learn that he had been taken in by the king's daughter. But God went a step further. In a tender showing of mercy to Jochebed, He gave her son back to her to nurture and raise during those important formative years. Even though her time with Moses was cut short, as he was likely taken to live in the palace around 4 years of age, I'm sure she treasured those years as a precious gift.

Of course this lesson makes me think about my own parenting skills. Even though my children are not under a death sentence, and I don't face the prospect of turning them over to the government at a set age, the time that they are under my roof and receptive to my teaching and example is still so short. How much time do I waste, or even resent when they bicker - and talk back - and need a million little things from me so that I can't get anything else done?

The other day Tess, who is 7, was following me around the house as I did some chore (probably laundry). Out of nowhere, she commented, "I want to be just like you as a mommy." I stopped a moment and considered this. "Why?" I asked. She answered as if I must be an idiot to have asked the question, "Because you're the best mommy there is!"

I don't consider myself a particularly good mother. I love my girls dearly, and I try really hard sometimes, but other times I'm too tired, or preoccupied, or simply just desperately in need of my own space. But apparently they love me anyway, and that inspires me. I want to be that mother -- the example my girls will look back on and try to follow when they have their own kids. I want to appreciate and cherish this moment in time, knowing that it is a precious gift to me from the heart of my Father.

Fall Reading List

2008-09-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of fall, and it actually has been feeling fall-like for the past week. I love it! Thanks to Katrina at Callapidder Days for once again hosting the fall reading challenge. Here's my list, which includes some genres that are way outside my typical comfort zone, so we'll see how it goes...

Fiction:
The Host by Stephenie Meyer (not my usual type of read -- but I've seen too many good reviews to pass it up)
The Twilight Saga series by Stephenie Meyer - maybe
The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey (Trenton Lee Stewart)
The "Josey" Series by Susan May Warren (Everything's Coming Up Josey; Chill Out, Josey, and Get Cozy, Josey)
Wiser than Serpents by Susan May Warren
Jane Eyre (in progress - 5 Minutes for Books Classics Club selection for Sept)
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Betty Smith (Classics Club selection for Nov)
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens (Classics Club selection for Dec)

Non-Fiction:
Moses (Great Lives series) by Charles Swindoll
Journaling as a Spiritual Practice, Helen Cepero
Spurgeon's Sermon Series

Kids:
Enchanted Thyme
The Penderwicks on Gardam Street
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Despereaux
The Landing -- maybe - I'll preview first
. . . and a big stack of American Girl historical books that they just received on loan from a friend. (My girls are asking for new AG dolls for Christmas, so my deal with them is that they have to read the books too!)

Click on over to Katrina's to see what everyone else plans to read this fall.

violin update

2008-09-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

A quick update on Tess's violin lessons:

After three weeks of practicing the correct way to hold the violin and bow and working through a full page of finger exercises meant to strengthen and teach the proper position, I am proud to announce that this week Tess will be allowed to touch bow to string and actually make noise with the violin. She is so excited!

All kidding aside, I am happy with the pace of the lessons as well as the teacher's obvious dedication and commitment to excellence in the smallest details. This week when she told Tess she could actually play some notes on the violin, the teacher seemed as excited about it as her student. And Tess seems to respond well to the training and has, so far, mastered all the exercises and holds beautifully.

I am struck by the way Tess's patient response to the somewhat slow start of her violin experience highlights the differences between my children. Her older sister, Sydney, would have quit after she returned for her 2nd week and found she was still not going to be allowed to "play" the violin. Sydney's short experiment with piano lessons a few years back ended when she discovered she was actually going to have to practice in order to master the instrument, and the learning process was not going to be accomplished in a couple of weeks. She is a multi-talented child who is accustomed to quickly mastering whatever she tries, so the idea of consistently plugging away in order to achieve something is basically a foreign concept to her.

Tess, on the other hand, seemed happy just to learn to hold the violin and even took the instrument to school the first week to show the class how well she could hold it. It seems she has an innate sense of the value of the process. She appreciates small victories and is gratified by her own sense of accomplishment without the need for accolades from "the crowd." These are precious qualities that should serve her well if they extend into other areas of her life as she grows up. I'm sure Sydney would be shocked at the suggestion that she might actually learn a thing or two from her sister....

Now we begin the next phase, which will be the endless repetition of bow strokes to the beat of "Mississippi-Mud-Pie" on the E and A strings. Baby steps, I know. I'll consider this phase a success if I can keep Sydney from requesting ear plugs.

my kids' picks

2008-09-16T05:27:00.000-07:00

5 Minutes for Books is hosting a discussion of kids' book picks today. I have 2 daughters, both of whom love to read. My feature for "Kid Picks" today is one recently read by my 7 year old, A Little Bit of Faith by Cindy Kenney. This is the first installment in a new kids' chapter book series by the Precious Moments brand and is meant to coincide with their upcoming launch of "The Precious Girls Club." The club is designed for young girls and includes access to an online "town" where they can choose a character, dress her, decorate her room, and move her around the community, playing games, etc. (Those of you with youngsters who have participated in the Webkinz craze are thinking this sounds very familiar.) The part that appeals to me is the Christian emphasis as well as the fact that moms have access to the site to reward the girls for "real life" good behavior with special bonuses and prizes they can use in the online world. Anyway, about the book ...

A Little Bit of Faith is a junior-level chapter book that tells the story of Katie, a little girl at a new school. She has the usual challenges of making friends and fitting in, but Katie has the special advantage of a guardian angel, "Faith," who helps her along. The story is very sweet, and it is punctuated every so often with beautiful color illustrations in the well-known Precious Moments style. The book was especially timely for Tess, who just started a new school this year and could really identify with the storyline. She finished it in a matter of days and now I'm waiting for them to come out with some more books in the series.

I would recommend this book for young elementary-age girls, maybe up through 4th grade depending on their reading abilities. My 5th grader would consider this book too babyish for her taste, but Tess, who is in 2nd grade, loved it. The story is sweet with a good moral and appears to stand alone without the online component (after reading it, Tess still had no idea you could go to a website and bring the characters to life).

My 5th grader's pick for this month would unquestionably be The Mysterious Benedict Society, but I'm saving that review for the last Tuesday of the month, when 5 Minutes for Books hosts "I Read It!" Stay tuned...

blogging through the Bible: Week 1

2008-09-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm trying a new discipline this year in connection with my Bible study lessons. This year our theme is the Life of Moses, and between now and the end of May we will study the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. In the past, I have found that many of the valuable lessons I learn each week tend to get lost by the end of the year due to the large amount of information I accumulate through the course of the study. So, it is my goal this year to keep a journal of one or two truths that were most meaningful to me for each week of the study. As an extension of that project, I thought I'd try to record one or two thoughts each week here as well.

Moses: Week 1
This week we looked at Exodus 1 as well as some of the preceding history with regard to God's promises to Abraham regarding his covenant with Israel. The theme of the week, at least for me, was God's reliability. He told Abraham - who was childless and old at the time - -that his descendants would number as the stars and be a great nation; that they would be enslaved in a foreign country and mistreated for 400 years, but that they would return to their own land in the 4th generation with great possessions.

Exodus 1 sees the fulfillment of part of that promise. The Israelites are indeed numerous and living in a foreign country (Egypt) due to a previous famine. A new pharoah becomes paranoid that they will try to overthrow Egyptian rule because there are so many of them. The pharaoh's solution is to enslave them and treat them harshly. In order to control their numbers, he orders the death of all newborn Hebrew boys.

Our group took a few moments to ponder the hopelessness and despair the Hebrews living at that time must have felt. Even if they trusted God's promise of their ultimate deliverance, their day-to-day life experiences must have been nearly unbearable. How true that can be of us, as well. Sometimes circumstances can seem so oppressive that we are unable to see beyond the present. But God is not constrained by time. He sees the "big picture." And He is unchanging. Just like then, He offer us hope for the future. And we know He always makes good on His Word.

This week's lesson caused me to pause for a moment and see that my world and the events of my life are very small. Yet I have a big tendency to focus in on little irritations, sometimes allowing them to make me feel as if certain situations are unbearable. I need to redirect my focus from myself and my circumstances and lean on God, who is in control of every detail and knows how it all works out. And who has promised me the security of eternity, regardless of anything I face in this life.

21

2008-09-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. In some ways, it seems impossible that 21 years have passed so quickly. In other ways, the number is irrelevant because the experience has consumed the majority of my lifetime (but in a good way!). The vast majority of my memories include my husband. In so many ways, we have grown up together.

The truth of this hit home with me a few weeks ago, when my husband got out some old home movies from our early married years. I watched those videos with an "old married" eye, seeing us in a way that only a pretty big space of time and distance from the actual events can allow. We were young. I don't mean that as a lament at the aging process. I still consider myself young now. No, I mean "young" as in inexperienced, naive, innocent babies that shouldn't be allowed to cross the street without their parents. Watching us in those movies, I understand for the first time the trepidation my parents must have felt when we got married, and I feel a foreshadowing of dread for the day -- which will come all too soon, I know -- when my own young girls will take that step.

How fascinating to see ourselves back across the years. How unsure of our place in the world we were -- but we didn't realize it. We always plodded ahead just like we knew what we were doing. Some of the things we tried succeeded, and others turned out badly but made for valuable lessons.

It was actually a little unsettling for me to see my husband in retrospect. To see that he was young, too, and unsteadily trying to do the best he could to become the man he somehow envisioned he should be. He was a kid, just like I was, but I never thought of him that way. He has always been a hero to me; the person who always knows what to do, how to make whatever is wrong turn out all right. Whenever I don't know the answer to something, he is always the one I absolutely know will be able to turn it around, see it in a different way, and make sense out of it.

So what's the best part of marriage after 21 years? The friendship. We have always been best friends. No one else "gets it" quite as easily or in the same way. We never really run out of things to say. In fact, I think part of the reason we were married 10 years before we had our kids was that we simply enjoyed being together. The kids have been a great blessing, of course, but they also present a challenge, an encroachment on that easy togetherness that we became so accustomed to in those first 10 years. The fact that I sometimes miss that era encourages me that we will still like each other after the kids are grown and gone.

So it doesn't seem like 21 years later, but I'm glad it is. I'm glad for everything we've done and learned and experienced together. And I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for these precious 21 years and hopeful and excited to see what the next 21 bring.

Happy anniversary, K. I love you.

old friends are best . . .

2008-09-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the girls returned to ballet class for the fall. Since starting their new school a month ago, they've been somewhat desperate for contact with their old friends. This day provided just the opportunity, and they were eagerly looking forward to it. My friend picked them up from school and I left work early to meet them at dance class near the end of the session. It felt like home, even to me, to see the familiar faces of all the kids we've been separated from all summer. And the room was a virtual wealth of mom-faces familiar to me as well, such that I didn't even get the chance to visit with everyone.

It encouraged me to see my girls and their friends so happy to be together. At the same time, of course, it causes me to wonder whether the new school was such a great idea -- especially for Sydney, who at age 10 has been having a little trouble breaking into the firmly-established social structure of the 5th grade as an outsider. So, while the jury's still out on that decision, it is good to know that they have the security of their familiar extra-curricular routines and friendships to fall back on. And, if nothing else, maybe the break in the same-old, same-old has given them a new appreciation for the friends they've had forever.

As for me, I have long struggled with making friends and feeling accepted. So I won't lie - - to walk into that dance studio and be instantly welcomed and sought after by more than one person warmed my heart too.

the magic of puff

2008-09-09T05:47:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for a beautiful children's picture book. So when I occasioned upon this delightfully illustrated storybook version of the classic song, Puff the Magic Dragon, I knew it was meant to be. I bought 2 copies -- one for my girls (and me!) and one to put away for my one-and-only nephew for Christmas. The book includes a CD by Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul & Mary fame and features a lovely duet of Puff by Yarrow and his own daughter. The text of the book follows the words on the CD exactly, making it an entertaining sing-along for the kids. The CD includes a couple of other fun tunes, like Froggy Went A-Courtin', as well as an instrumental version of Puff.

The magic of this dragon, however, is in the illustrations. The soft, friendly hues used by illustrator Eric Puybaret to depict Puff and Jackie's adventures in Honalee are irresistible. Most of all, the expressive quality given to the dragon in particular is heartbreaking. Puff's sad droop when Jackie leaves him brought both my girls to tears, but his unabashed joy at making a new friend at the book's close is priceless. Tess asked me to make a photocopy of this page so she could cut out the happy dragon and keep him in her room.

Special features include lovely narratives from the authors, Yarrow and Lenny Lipton, reflecting on the meaning of the story and the impact it has had on generations of children in our culture.

On a personal note, Puff holds a special place in my heart from my own childhood. I remember my uncle playing the song for me on his guitar when I was a very little girl. It is a special thing to be able to pass it along to my own little girls and to see that they love it as much as I did.

To see more Children's Classics recommendations, visit 5 Minutes for Books today.

junior virtuoso

2008-09-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

Tess had her first violin lesson this week. She is extremely proud of her new violin. Even though the first lesson did not result in a single sweep of the bow across the strings (her teacher says, "This week, it's all about posture!") she still insisted on hauling the instrument to school on Friday to show off the correct way to hold it.

Now, I am not idealistic enough to actually believe that she is headed to Carnegie Hall. Both of my girls have tried and discarded enough activities over the years that I readily realize at the outset that this, too, may go by the wayside. But I am encouraged by the fact that this was her own idea, and one that she insisted on despite my gentle and not-so-gentle attempts to steer her in the direction of piano lessons, which are less expensive and probably generally a little easier.

The violin teacher seems to think she has a good propensity for learning the instrument, or I should say at this point for handling the instrument, as she was very complimentary of Tess' stance and ability to correctly hold the violin and bow correctly. And this particular teacher actually has had students go on to play at Carnegie Hall, so it's not outside the realm of possibility. I really like her attitude too, as she told Tess from the outset that violin is not the easiest instrument to learn, but how well she does with it and how far she goes is entirely up to her.

I like that part, about it being up to the student. Of course it is up to me as the parent to encourage and remind about practice and to praise the smallest effort and advancement. But as a former conscripted piano student who suffered 6 long years of lessons without one iota of interest in actually practicing on my own time (and to this day can barely find middle C on a keyboard), I am sensitive to the boundary where parental wishes overtake child preferences in such matters. Therefore, I let Sydney quit piano lessons after 6 months, when it just didn't appear to be her "thing." (And when the violin teacher quizzed my drop-out pianist about her ability to play an instrument, Sydney's proud response was, "I'm not an instrument-playing sort of person." Naturally, she fashions herself more the lead-singer type. :-)

And so we begin this new musical phase to see where it leads. I think I understand better now the drive my parents had to force those lessons on all us kids. And to their credit, they did succeed in producing one musical child -- my brother is a music and band teacher. It is enticing to think of your child as a renowned concert musician. But my own experiences have also taught me that sometimes the lesson that "it's all up to you" (i.e. taking responsibility for your own actions and the results) is more important than how far you actually go with an instrument, or a hobby, or even a career. And just because you fail or lose interest in one thing doesn't mean you won't be a fabulous success at something else.

So I wish Tess all the best in her musical journey. And I will be as supportive as I can of her efforts. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll be in the front row at Carnegie Hall, pointing and shouting, "That's MY kid!"

down time

2008-09-03T06:33:00.001-07:00

The long weekend found my youngest and me both sick in bed for 2 out of the 3 days. Actually, my troubles began on Thursday and turned out to be caused by a recurrent ear infection with trapped fluid that resulted in an extremely painful and stiff neck. Tess came home from school Friday with a sore throat and fever. (Thankfully, it wasn't strep throat!) So, the two of us spent a pretty lazy weekend around the house.

I don't get sick that often, at least not sick enough to completely let go of my various responsibilities. When I do, I am usually amazed at how unimportant everything I usually stress about accomplishing becomes. That was true this weekend. It was frustrating to be basically confined (as once I found a workable position for my head and neck there was no chance I was moving until absolutely necessary), but it was also freeing to realize there was no point in feeling guilty about the things I couldn't do. And so Tess and I spent a nice afternoon on Friday resting in my bedroom together. We talked, and slept, and watched some TV, and the world whirled on around us, but it didn't matter.

Slowly, day by day, we recovered. I spent Saturday and Sunday working on some projects around the house that I hadn't had time to get to before. By Monday Tess felt fine and I felt well enough to take Sydney on a short shopping trip to make up for her "boring" weekend. We barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers and watched home movies in our own little Labor Day celebration.

So life resumes its normal, crazy pace. But I would like to think I learned a lesson this weekend. Actually, I think I learned more than one. I was reminded that good health is truly a fragile gift that those who possess it rarely appreciate. But I also learned that there are blessings in every circumstance, and sometimes we need to be knocked down so we can learn to see things in a new way.

GNO at Panera

2008-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Panera Bakery has become a favorite haunt of several members of our family of late. Sometimes I go there alone in the mornings to work on my bible study. When my work schedule allows, I meet a friend for breakfast on Monday mornings after we drop our daughters off at school. The best Mondays are when neither of us has any pressing appointments on the calendar, and the minutes roll into hours as we talk and talk and talk (and I refill and refill and refill my large coffee).

Toward the end of the last school year I made a date with each of my daughters (separately) to pick them up at lunchtime and eat out at a restaurant of their choice. They both chose Panera. Those lunches are a special memory for me already. They must have made an impression on the girls, too, because one night this week Sydney insisted on eating at Panera.

When my husband couldn't go because of a dinnertime appointment, Tess opted out too in order to stay at home with daddy. So Sydney and I ventured over to Panera, ordered our "You Pick Two" pleasures and sat outside on the patio for a nice long chat. We talked about school and her friends and homework and nothing in particular, but the leisurely pace and the opportunity just to be together were wonderful. Sydney ate unusually slowly, even apologizing for finishing last, and I suspect the pace was orchestrated to stretch the experience
for as long as possible.

I love that this simple experience made her feel special. It made me feel special, too. And it has cemented Panera's place in our hearts as a safe, relaxing environment where we can keep in touch.

my nightstand - September

2008-08-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to the new 5 Minutes for Books site that Jennifer and her talented staff have put up. Every Tuesday they challenge readers to post about a different book-related topic. This week you're supposed to tell about the books you are reading or plan to read in the coming month. If I had participated in this challenge last month, a simple photo of my nightstand - which was piled so high with books you couldn't even discern what piece of furniture was actually holding the books up -- would have said it all. But we have completed our bedroom remodel, so my nightstand is currently bookless. The process of cleaning my nightstand has also caused me to simplify my reading list. So here's my reasonable goal for the month:

The Consolations of Imperfection by Donald McCullough

I'm about 2 chapters in to this interesting read about how the drive for success and perfection in our culture contradicts not only common sense (isn't the fact that we're imperfect OBVIOUS?) but also God's purpose in teaching us through those imperfections. For a super-perfectionist like me, the concept is humbling but also strangely liberating.

The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart

I got this recommendation from Carrie at 5 Minutes for Books and thought it would be a perfect read for my 10-year-old daughter. We secured a copy from the library yesterday. I want to read it too, but so far I haven't been able to get it away from her. I will, though.

Journaling as a Spiritual Practice by Helen Cepero

I got this recommendation from Katrina at Callapidder Days. Her comments about it intrigued me because she said she isn't usually much of a journaler but this book challenged her to do so. That really resonated with me because so far all my attempts at consistent journaling have pretty much failed. I haven't started this yet but it is definitely on my priority list this month. Since my Bible study group starts up again in 2 weeks, I figure it's a good time to start fresh with a new study and a new journal.

That's it -- a pretty unambitious list as far as quantity. But I have high hopes for the impact of the substance of this short list. Happy Reading, everybody.

worth a thousand words

2008-08-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

The past week has seen us working steadily on a makeover of the master bedroom. I wish I had taken a "before" picture to show how drastic the change is, but of course I didn't. Anyway, that's not the point. In cleaning up and going through a lot of the stuff that had accumulated, the girls found some old miscellaneous photos and had a lot of fun laughing at their parents' hairstyles, fashion choices, and generally younger-looking selves in the pre-kids past.

This sparked an interest, especially for Tess, in looking back over her own (short) past. Thankfully, I started scrapbooking when Sydney was born, so we have several albums chronicling their early years. Tess spent a good chunk of Sunday afternoon pulling the albums off the shelf and going through them. Last night she even asked to keep her "first year" album beside her bed so she could look at a few pictures each night. It was fun for me to look at the pages with her, but I was even more gratified by the appreciation she showed for the effort I put into saving these memories. She read each journal entry and oohed and aahed over the layouts. I have been remiss in keeping up on my scrapbooks in the last few years, but Tess's interest in them reminded me of the reason why I started them in the first place. Time marches on; memory fades; we need reminders to spark remembrance. A picture is truly worth a thousand words -- words, descriptions, memories that might be lost if not captured in a photo.

the yogurt shop

2008-08-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

Now that the girls have started school, I have gone back to my regular routine of taking Mondays off work. One of the new habits we've started in the last couple of weeks has been to visit the local frozen yogurt shop after school each Monday afternoon. In the few short weeks since school began, I have already come to treasure this time with the girls.

The yogurt is inexpensive and fairly healthy. The girls have their favorite orders: Sydney always gets chocolate yogurt with crushed Oreo topping. Tess varies her choice of flavors -- usually trying a sample before she commits - -but she always orders her yogurt on a cone. We sit on one of the benches in the small shop and talk about the girls' day. Sometimes they see a friend or two from school. It is a short, simple experience but one that they seem to enjoy. It is a chance to sit still, to enjoy a treat, and to listen to one another.

Starting a new school has brought its share of challenges, but the girls seem to be adjusting well. As they get older and their lives and problems become more complicated, I feel an overwhelming sense of how important it is for me to be available to them. I never want to minimize the things that concern them or make them feel that they have to face problem alone because I am too busy. I make a conscious effort to stay up to date on what's going on in their daily lives. I want so much for them to know -- by my conduct as much as my words -- that they can talk to me about anything. I think I like Monday afternoons at the yogurt shop because it allows us some time to just plain connect with each other.

As we head into September, the girls' extra-curricular schedules will start to fill up. I already find myself trying to schedule activities away from Mondays in the hope that I can preserve our afternoon visit to the yogurt shop. But even if that doesn't happen, I am thankful for the times we've spent there in the past weeks. And even more for the lessons I've learned about slowing down enough to hear my children and connect with their hearts.

beginning again

2008-07-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

This is a new one for us. School starts next week! The shortened summer is due to the fact that the girls are moving to a new school this year, and the new school follows a different calendar. School starts at the end of July and offers the kids some extended breaks at various intervals throughout the school year. I think it will be great, once we get used to it! Right now it seems like it's been an insanely short summer, but somehow we've managed to get everything done. The supplies and uniforms are ready; the fees are paid; and tonight we have appointments to meet with both of the girls' teachers for the new year. By this time next week the new school year will have officially begun. The girls seem enthusiastic about the change, so I'm looking forward to watching them make this transition.

Before this season slips quickly into memory, I thought I'd reflect for a minute on the highlights of the summer, shortened though it was:

This year the girls had the privilege of staying with their aunt and cousins on a number of days when I worked. They took walks, ate popsicles, and played in the water. I think they enjoyed the slower, at-home pace over there, and it gave me a tremendous break from schlepping them around to their usual summer day camp activities.

My dear friend Patti, who will forever be known to me as "your friendly summer tour guide," organized a number of day trips for her group of friends and their children. Designed to be fun, educational, or both, these outings included a trip to the local waterslides (on the hottest day of the summer), a tour of the recycling facility, a tour and lunch at a nearby chocolate factory, and tickets to a local "premiere party" for the new American Girl movie, which included prizes and a chance to mingle with a local first-time actress who landed a part in the movie! I also had the privilege of accompanying the girls and their friends to see the AG Kit movie at our local theater on the day it opened.

Inspired by Patti's relentless pursuit of entertainment, I also spearheaded the organization of a couple of outings, including an afternoon at the movies to see WALL-E and a day trip to Someplace Fun, which could also be described as "jumpy-house heaven."

I can't neglect to mention our family vacation, which consisted of a week-long visit to Disneyland and California Adventure. It's been several years since our last trip, and the girls were at the perfect age this year to truly enjoy the experience. The grandparents joined us for part of the time and were also kind enough to chauffeur us to American Girl Place one morning, where the girls got to spend some of their savings on new dolls and accessories. Despite the busy pace of the vacation, we spent a fair number of lazy afternoons at the hotel pool, where the girls swam, I read, and we all enjoyed treats from Starbucks (which was conveniently located in the lobby!). In the parks, we had a blast riding everything together (except for the Maliboomer, which no one except Sydney had the stomach to handle, so she rode it alone. Let me just say, when that thing shot up into the air with her on board I almost lost my lunch on the sidewalk. I'm sure she's embarrassed to have such a melodramatic mother, as her nonchalant description of the ride afterward was "You go up, you come back down." Kids. )

In reading back over this list, I'm actually amazed at the number of activities the girls crammed into this summer. I've noticed that they've been extremely tired each night; now I know why. Maybe going back to school will feel like a break! Farewell summer of 2008; we hardly knew you. (But it's a good thing you're ending because we're exhausted and out of money!)

endings

2008-05-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year where everything ends. It seems odd and out-of-step with the season of spring and Easter and the whole idea of new beginnings, but the month of May is winding-down month for almost everything in our lives. Not work, of course (couldn't be that lucky!), but school, and ballet, and music lessons, and Bible study all end either this month or during the first week of June. It is a month filled with perpetual endings and good-byes - some for the summer, some forever. Some things we are sad to leave behind; others we are happy to finish.

We had our first ending of the season last night. It was the kids' last BSF class. My class continues for one more week, ending next Monday. This year we studied the book of Matthew. It was a wonderful study that drew me closer to the heart of Jesus than ever before, and I am both sad to have it end and proud to have seen it to completion. The kids seemed sad to leave their friends and leaders, although I think they welcome the idea of a break on Monday nights for the summer.

As they sifted through their lesson papers after we got home, I tried to glean what it was they learned this year. Their answers to the "application" questions from the past several weeks appeared to focus on the depth of Jesus' love for them. I also overheard a discussion between them about the Trinity. It warms my heart to know that at ages 10 and 7 they have a basic grasp of this profound truth of the nature of God, although I had to laugh when I heard Tess describe the Trinity as, "God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit is His brother." When I questioned how she came to this idea, she persisted, "Well, they're in the same family!"

So I hope that this first ending also represents a beginning. A beginning of a deeper love for God and His Word. A beginning of a deeper desire to know Him, to follow Him, and to let Him define us - as individuals and as members of His family.

the mission

2008-04-11T06:01:00.001-07:00

Things have been a little busy around our house this week. Fourth grade mission projects are due today. Sydney spent the first part of the week working - and reworking - on her written essay, which was frankly much harder than it needed to be. I say this because it took 3 adult family members (me, my husband, and my sister) to convince her that 5 sentences typed in a 20-pt. font was not acceptable. After much drama, the report shaped up to the point that, while still relatively short, it is now interesting and no longer gives the appearance of being a a large-print edition for the visually impaired.

But the real work started on Wednesday night when we undertook the mission construction phase. Because we constructed Sydney's mission out of cake and frosting, this project bore some crude resemblance to a Food Network Challenge: Wild creativity applied under severe time constraints with perishable materials through quick thinking and improvisation.

The cake building exercise was a true combined effort. I got the blueprint (translation: a pencil sketch on a post-it note) from a colleague who pioneered the cake mission project with his niece; my dad canvassed the area for a grocery store that sold the required type of frosting mix; my mom smashed a piece of tile to create pieces for a stepping-stone pathway; Tess donated a portion of her beloved rock collection to accent the cake-and-playdough fountain.

The building phase was both nightmare and fantasy. I wish I had taken a picture of the way my kitchen looked at the end of the night. I scraped cake, graham crackers, and bits and pieces of wooden dowels -- all covered in frosting--out of every crack and crevice in my kitchen. But we think the end result is fairly impressive.

Halfway through the construction process, I looked up from mixing my billionth batch of frosting and paused for a moment to watch my mom and my daughter vigorously working on the cake structure together. This was a three-generation project, like so many in the past where my own parents and grandparents collaborated on my behalf. Like when I ran for student council in the 8th grade and my dad took me to a real printing shop to have professional "vote for me" badges made (I still lost). Or when my grandmother dug deep into her memorabilia and loaned me the dress she got married in to wear to a retro-themed day during freshman year. These are memories I hadn't thought about in a long time, but I treasure them.

I hope that someday Sydney will look back on the chaos of the night we constructed the cake mission and smile. And I hope that -- a long, long time from now -- she, like me, will have a hundred other memories of crazy outrageous things we did for her, reminding her how very much she has been loved.

mixed emotions

2008-03-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Easter 2008. I reflect on this year's holiday with mixed emotions, knowing that this particular Easter will be meaningful in my memory forever for a couple of reasons.

First, my grandfather passed away on Good Friday afternoon. While this event was not exactly unanticipated (he was 92!), the reality of grief is that it must be experienced. Knowing it is coming does not allow you to skip over the emotions involved. I am thankful to God for the life my grandpa lived, for the example he was, and for the fact that my daughters are old enough to remember him. Even that blessing is bittersweet, however, because they were close to him and are deeply saddened by the loss. Still, I can't help wondering - with a little bit of envy of my grandparents - what Easter in heaven must be like.

On a happier note, our family celebrated our first Messianic Passover Seder this Easter. We were all affected by a Jews for Jesus presentation discussing Christ in the Passover, so we determined to make this Easter truly meaningful by celebrating the symbols of the Jewish Passover with the recognition of Jesus as the Messiah. It was a blessed experience and one we hope to repeat every year. The excitement and reverence in the girls' response was worth all the effort it took to get the dinner together.

The night was topped off with a very special gift from my husband to each of our daughters, a necklace handcrafted in Israel with a Bible verse written in Hebrew. Sydney's is a string of beads and symbols representing Joshua 1:1: "Love & grace never leave you; bind them around . . . write them on your heart." Tess's is a silver teardrop surrounded by gold beads and representing the promise of Rev. 21:4, which I hope is especially meaningful for her in the wake of her great-grandpa's death: "He will wipe away every tear from your eye."

Despite my mixed emotions, I would say this Easter season was more spiritually meaningful for me and for us as a family than those of the past few years. And so, I thankfully and prayerfully approach the future, confident in the promise that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28.)

almost 10

2008-03-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sydney turns 10 in less than a month. 10! It seems unbelievable to me that this can be so. Not so much at the thought of my baby growing up. I do not think of Sydney as my "baby," because she is the oldest and her sister has always been more babyish than she ever was, even during actual babyhood. No, this girl was not a baby for long. She has a winsome sort of charm that transcends her years, and it is very easy to fall into the habit of talking to her like you would to your neighbor or your best friend, rather than to a child. She is as comfortable in the company of adults as she is with her peers, if not more so. Still, that she has graced our home with the joy – and drama – of her presence for nearly 10 years seems incredible to me.

A few days ago she had an orthodontist appointment, so I took her to school late. We drove up to the front of the school and I turned off the car. "Do you want me to walk you in?" I asked as she gathered her things. She appeared not to hear me, or was ignoring me – I'm not sure which – so I repeated the question. "No, I got it." She answered matter-of-factly and hauled her backpack out of the car. There was no one behind me in the school driveway so I sat for a moment and watched her walk to the office. A few moments later she emerged, orange excuse paper in hand, and trudged purposefully toward her classroom. Having completely shifted gears into the demands of the school day, she never once looked over to realize my car was still in the driveway. (I'm sure she would have been mortified.)

Watching her capable stride as she headed toward class, I felt strangely proud. This was her world and she was clearly comfortable in it. She was likely thinking about what subject her classmates would be in the middle of when she arrived, or who she needed to talk to at recess about whatever almost-10-year-olds talk about at school. Her overall mood exuded acceptance of and competence to handle whatever the day brought.

She is small and young and inexperienced, yet she is smart, and quick on her feet, and, as always, wise beyond her years. It occurred to me in that moment that I have succeeded, or at least I am succeeding, in raising an independent, caring, capable young lady. This was always my goal, of course, to teach her to think for herself, to act responsibly, to handle whatever comes her way with grace and tact, considering others' feelings. She does all these things with an ease that belies her youth. And I am proud.

And yet I am sad. Because success in this endeavor means that I, her mother, am necessarily blending into the background. I remember what it was like to be almost 10. I had complex thoughts at that age, and questions about everything from the ways of God to how best to fit into the social structure of my peer group. And I didn't think my mother could possibly know anything about any of it. So I realize that I have become a part of the context of her life rather than the center of it. I am the gatekeeper, the chauffeur, the appointment secretary, and sometimes the stick-in-the-mud. I can be proud, but the achievements and the limelight are hers. There will always be times when she needs me, of course, just as I still need my mother. But she has her own thoughts and ideas, and she is well on her way to making her own life. And so I feel compelled to pause, at this most momentous threshold of Sydney turning 10, to reflect on the child she has been and to marvel at the glimpses I am getting of the woman she will be.

one moment

2008-03-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

In the car the other day I set my ipod to "shuffle," which means it plays songs at random. I tend to fall into the habit of listening to the same song or set of songs over and over, so the "shuffle" feature allows me to mix it up and hear songs that I have liked enough to actually put on my ipod at one point in time but maybe don't listen to all that often.

Anyway, a song that the shuffle chose for me was Whitney Houston's "One Moment In Time," a cheesy melodramatic ballad, I know, but one that holds fond memories for me because I used to really like hearing it on the radio at points in my life where I felt like I was actually achieving something. Like graduating from law school, for example.

But as Whitney belted out that song in the car the other day, I have to admit I felt a little let down. That song evokes all the promise of that one great defining moment in life, when everything falls into place and you see the significance of your life in the great scheme of eternity. And that message, combined with the past sentimentality that I've attached to it, led me to a somewhat startling conclusion. I've never had that "moment." And time is a-wasting, people.

Now I know this is a silly and irrational thing to be obsessing about. From a Christian viewpoint, my whole lifetime is but a moment in eternity, and the things I do in this life that yield eternal value are the things that define me.

But from the viewpoint of a person just struggling to cram everything into each day, I don't see that there is such a thing as one defining moment. Oh, there are moments of inspiration and moments of realization of one thing or another that help light the way. But one life-defining moment, when your "destiny" is so clear you can touch it? I have doubts.

But maybe that's just me, feeling old at 40 and making excuses to the 20-something me who loved that song for all the promise it contained and is now sorely disappointed to find that I haven't really accomplished anything. And ashamed that my ideal "moment" at this stage in my life is simply one where nobody needs anything from me.

Well, enough angst for one day. See you next time - hopefully with something more worthwhile to discuss.

giving up

2008-02-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

Our family has given up TV on the weeknights for Lent this year. This is somewhat of a first for us, as we have not traditionally been in the habit of giving up things during this season. But this year our pastor issued a challenge to do so, and we decided as a family on our "giving up" course of action. The first few nights were a little rough, I'll admit. I didn't care so much in the early evening hours, because I rarely have time to sit down and watch any TV then anyway. But I am in the habit of vegging out to the TV after the kids go to bed, so it was a little annoying at first to lose my brainless method of unwinding. My husband also struggled, and I caught him watching a rerun of The Office on his Palm Treo (which speaks mightily to his desperation since the Treo screen is only a couple of inches wide!).

Within a few nights, however, the beauty of an evening without TV really captivated me. I get more done; the kids use their imaginations to find things to do; my husband and I actually have conversations after the kids go to bed. Turns out that our "giving up" was actually "trading up" to something better.

I've been thinking about that. How so often the things we kick and scratch to hang onto are actually the things we need to let go of the most in order to "trade up" to what God has for us. The sad part is that as I sit here I can identify several of those things in my own life, yet still I am reluctant to let them go. They are comfortable and familiar; I am a lazy creature of habit. But if the giving up experience with the TV has taught me anything, it's that you can't experience the wonder of what God wants to give you as long as you're content with worldly substitutes. You have to let go first.

So my prayer for the Lenten season has become this: That God will continue to highlight those things in my life and heart that are sorry substitutes for His will. And that He will enable me to let them go and trade up to the life He has planned for me.

I'm back

2008-02-25T06:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a long week. :-) Seems like as soon as I decided to take a break, a million things demanded my attention. By about Christmas I had concluded that there just isn't time in my life for blogging anymore. But I really missed the discipline of writing on a regular basis. As I've said before, I think more clearly and am able to articulate my thoughts better in writing. During my break, I discovered that I was less able to communicate clearly verbally than I had been when I was writing regularly. So it seems that writing is not only therapeutic but also thought-defining, helping me to make myself more clearly understood when I talk as well.

I had determined to replace the blog with a personal journal, because the writing is the same regardless of whether anyone actually reads it. But that never happened. So I've concluded that the discipline comes from knowing someone could possibly read it, even if no one ever does....

Finally, a week or so ago my husband emailed me an entry from my blog and said he wished I would still post little stories about our lives. So, long story short, I'm back.

a short break

2007-08-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

The girls started school this week -- finally! And all seems to be going well. Now that they're back in a routine, I'm going to take a short break from the blog to get myself organized and finish some editing on my husband's book manuscript. I'll be back in a week or so!

the giveaway winner . . .

2007-08-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

. . . chosen by random number generator . . . is VAIL, who blogs at Thoughts of a Wannabe. Thanks to everybody who participated in the giveaway; it's been great getting to know all of you and visiting your blogs.

Happy Fall, everybody (that sounds weird, it's been in the 100's this week)!

Read Together Review: Nicki (American Girl Series)

2007-08-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Here's my final review for the Read Together challenge. The girls and I read Nicki, the latest installment in the American Girl series. We did this as a read-aloud, with me doing most of the reading and the girls helping out occasionally. While we enjoyed this book, I would say it was the girls' least favorite of the books we read this summer. I think the storyline was not as exciting as the other books we read.

Overall, Nicki is a sweet story with a good moral. The story revolves around the title character's struggle with taking on too many extracurricular responsibilities. In addition to her regular schoolwork and farm chores, she agrees to serve on a committee to plan the end-of-year gala. She also takes on the challenging task of training a young service-dog. The book contains some important lessons about responsibility, finishing what you start, and learning to say "no" when you are already too busy to do an additional task justice. (A good lesson for moms as well as girls!)

An added bonus is a section at the end of the book that discusses some real-life children who are involved in training service dogs, including pictures.

As always, American Girl does a great job of bringing the stories behind the dolls to life. Tess owns the doll versions of Nicki and as her service-dog-in training, Sprocket, and now she has a good start on some scenarios for them to act out.

Thanks to Jennifer for the Read Together challenge. We had a great time!

the lure of the library

2007-08-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the girls and I spent the first day of the last full week before they go back to school visiting the public library. This was a request on the girls' part and one that I was happy to fulfill. I don't quite know how to explain the endless attraction of the public library, but I am happy to know that my girls feel it too. Even though our bookshelves at home are overflowing, the thought of discovering a new book is just too enticing to resist. So, armed with our library cards, we attacked the library and were not disappointed.

Tess brought home 11 books, many of which she was pleased to find she can read by herself. My favorite of her picks is a new book by Kevin Henkes, A Good Day. It is simple and sweet with charming illustrations.

Sydney chose 9 books, but she will readily explain to you how she actually has more reading to do than her sister -- because her books are longer! and with harder words! She chose a number of books in the Babysitter's Club series, one of which she finished last night. I also convinced her to try one of the Nancy Drew books, a series I absolutely loved at her age. Although she seemed enthusiastic at the time, today she told me that she can't tell if she likes the book yet because it really requires her to concentrate, whatever that means. So the jury's out on whether she will become addicted or pass on the Nancy Drew experience.

As for me, I found Deconstructing Penguins, a recommendation from Jennifer at Snapshot, Comma Sense, a guide to punctuation I learned about from an article on Crosswalk.com, and Jane Eyre, which I know I have read before but can't remember how long it's been. I think it must have been long ago, as I'm already 5 chapters in and don't recognize any of the story so far.

As we were checking out with our books, I considered for a brief second the impracticality of my committing to reading these books over the next 3 weeks. I am already 1/3 of the way into another book I have to finish and review by September 1st for my church newsletter; I've promised my husband I'll finish editing a book he wants to send in for publishing by mid-September (and I use the term finish liberally, as I'm currently on page 6 of an 80-page manuscript), and as of next Monday I'll be in court full-time assisting one of my firm's partners in a 3-week trial.

What can I say? Blame it on the lure of the library -- it is useless to resist. Good thing our library allows online book renewal!

Party & Giveaway

2007-08-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Trista for hosting this great end-of-summer event. For those of you who are new to my blog, welcome! This summer has been brightened by the company of our friends, so I'm glad you're here. To celebrate, I'm hosting a book giveaway at the end of the week (details about the giveaway are at the end of this post).

I can't believe summer is almost gone, and it was longer for us than for most. Many of my daughters' friends have already been back at school for several weeks. While my girls feel blessed to have another 10 days to enjoy their "freedom," I think they are also ready to get back into their regular routine.

This summer has been busy for us. Here are the highlights:

1. I worked more during this summer than I have in past years, so the girls got to try out a variety of day camps. Some were sports-themed; some had arts-and-crafts as the focus. Each exposed them to new skills and presented them with the opportunity to make new friends.

2. We spent our down-time enjoying the simple things, like getting together with friends and family. We hosted a BBQ/swim party to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday. We invited one of the girls' friends and her mom over for an afternoon in the pool; in return, the girls were invited to their house and spent hours playing basketball and making up obstacle courses on the lawn. We attended the wedding of the girls' beloved ballet teacher. And we hosted our summer annual pool party for the girls' school friends.

3. We took our annual summer vacation to the coast over the 4th of July. I know we all had a good time because no one wanted to come home. A few vacation photos:

4. We discovered the joy of audiobooks. The girls and I joined the crowd at Jennifer's Snapshot for the Read Together challenge. So far we've finished 2 novels on audio and 1 read-aloud.

This week's plans include a family trip to the State Fair and the finishing touches on our back-to-school shopping. This weekend my niece and nephew are hosting a "50's rock-and-roll" party to celebrate their birthdays, so the girls have that to look forward as a last fun event to end the summer.

Now for the giveaway! In honor of all the reading we did this summer, I'm giving away a book. The winner will be chosen on Friday morning using a random number generator. To be eligible, just leave a comment on this post telling me something you did or a book you read this summer. The winner will choose one of the following books:

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Rumors of Another World by Philip Yancey

God Will Make a Way by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Make sure you leave a link to your blog or an email address so I can contact you!

Happy Back-to School!

farewell to our "pocket pet"

2007-08-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

This week marked the sad occasion of the death of the girls' pet hamster, "Angelina." There really is no reason why I should refer to the little rodent as the girls' pet, as after the first month I was the only one who ever paid any attention to her. (My girls don't have the best track record in the pet department; their first pet was a parakeet they ended up returning to their grandmother in a truly classy, "thanks but no-thanks" gesture.)

I became aware that Angelina was not doing well last weekend. I watched her for a few days but by Monday it was obvious to me that the situation was not going to improve. While I really had no emotional attachment to the little beast, it bothered me to know she was in pain. After I dropped the girls off at day camp I came home, gave Angelina a little pat on the back, and took her to the vet. The lady at the front desk was very nice and sympathetic, referring to Angelina as "the baby" and taking her gently from me.

The whole experience, not to mention my anticipation of having to break the news to the girls, was unpleasant. I paid the fee, took my receipt, and couldn't get out of there fast enough. Once back in the car I looked at the receipt, which for some strange reason made me smile. It read "Euthanasia - pocket pet - $10." Pocket Pet. I suddenly had a mental image of one of those little computer pets that comes on a keychain. That description made the whole experience seem kind of lighthearted and cartoonish.

It wasn't easy to tell the girls. Let's just say that one would get the idea that they were far more attached to Angelina by observing their behavior following her death than ever was the case during her life. They have spent a few tearful evenings, coming up with all sorts of questions about whether Angelina is in heaven, etc. Tess drew a picture of Angelina, which she hung up next to her bed. And that's not all -- she pets the picture every night before she goes to sleep.

So, the Angelina chapter in our family closes. She was a cute, low-maintenance pet. The girls each got the opportunity to take her to school for show-and-tell last year. I don't honestly think there's much more we could have expected to get from the hamster-owning experience. And even though I ended up with the dubious honor of making her final arrangements, that vet hospital receipt ended the experience with a smile. To me, Angelina will always be our "pocket pet."

Read Together Review: Ella Enchanted

2007-08-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

We recently finished a second book on our Read Together List: Ella Enchanted. Although Sydney has the paperback version of this book, we decided to get it on audiobook so that we could stay with our listen-in-the-car momentum after we finished The Penderwicks. Plus, we've been spending more time in the car together this summer as I drive the girls to and from their day camps. I'm glad we did it on audiobook. The reader was excellent and really captured the spirit and personality of the Ella character.

The story is a clever and intelligent version of the classic Cinderella fairy tale. The similarities to Cinderella are subtle at first and become more obvious as the story goes on, although for some reason Sydney took great offense when I commented about the similarities toward the end of the book. What I liked best was the spunkiness of the Ella character. Cursed with the "gift of obedience," devastasted by the death of her beloved mother, ill-treated by her absentee and mostly unscrupulous father, and beleaguered by an adoring fairy godmother who won't do any "big magic," Ella sets a wonderful example of rising above one's circumstances through creativity and hope.

Although both of my girls seemed to thoroughly enjoy the story, I personally think it was a little too old for Tess, who is 6. Ella's grief at the loss of her mother, followed closely by her father's decision to send her away to finishing school in order to get her out of his way, is a bit intense for young children. Thankfully, that part of the story is over in the first few chapters, and Ella's adventures at finishing school and beyond are humorous enough to lighten the mood. I think the book is probably best suited to the 8-14 age range, depending on the maturity of the child. I must add, however, that I personally loved the story and was as entranced by the delightful romance as any young teen. Also dear to my heart was the twist on the traditional fairy tale that makes Ella the true heroine of the story -- she doesn't need "Prince Charming" to save her; in fact, it's more the other way around.

A last comment for those of you who, like me, have some reservations about stories that include spells, curses, and the like. The "magic" in the story all appears to be of the harmless fairy tale variety as opposed to actual witchcraft-type stuff. In fact, the story places more emphasis on creativity and resourcefulness in problem-solving than on the fanciful stylings of a fairy godmother. While I had reservations before we read the book, I soon forgot them once we became immersed in the story. So, three "thumbs up" from us.

overthinking the obvious

2007-08-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting and challenging day with my youngest last week. I took her to a new salon to get her hair cut. As the only appointment I could get was in the middle of the morning, I had to pick her up from day camp. She was reluctant to leave, as her group was in the middle of a T-shirt painting craft, but I promised we would be back very soon. The haircut went smoothly and was fast, as I promised. The stylist even took the time to blow dry and style Tess's hair. When we went to leave, I noticed Tess looking at her reflection dubiously in the waiting room mirror, but I didn't think much of it.

When we arrived back at day camp, Tess wouldn't get out of the car. She got teary-eyed and stated that she wanted to stay with me. I wasn't sure what that was about, but I knew she'd be upset if she didn't get to paint her shirt so I hauled her inside. Instead of joining back up with her group, she stood outside the room and clutched the wall. Despite my best efforts to convince her to return to the fun she had so reluctantly left, she became more clingy and insistent -- and loud. Before long she had worked herself into a full-blown tantrum. Embarrassed and more than a little perplexed, I took her into the ladies' room to see if I could calm her down more privately. That little trip only served to spread the news of her tantrum all the way down the hall, into the crowded bathroom, and all the way back to the classroom. By now, if there had been anyone in the building who hadn't been on notice of my plight, that was no longer the case.

I told Tess it wasn't acceptable to act that way and that if I did take her home with me she would be punished for her behavior. When she seemed willing -- almost happy --to accept this in exchange for being able to go home, I began to doubt myself. What if I made her stay and then something happened to her, or to me? Could she have a childish sense of foreboding, an undefined premonition of danger? What if this was the last time I ever saw her? Finally, I dragged my sobbing daughter over to the registration desk to sign her out for the day. As we waited for one of the camp employees to gather Tess's uneaten lunch from the refrigerator, I asked her one last time to please tell me why she had changed her mind and did not want to stay. "I'm scared, " she stuttered through her sobs. "Scared? Of what?" I asked, but inwardly I told myself, See - I was right - something bad is going to happen. Her answer clarified the issue on so many levels: "I don't want them to see my hair this way!"

There you have it. A classic example of me missing the point on the whole parenting deal. Here I was, overthinking the issue immensely, totally missing the obvious. She didn't like the way the stylist brushed her hair out while she dryed it, resulting in a look that was "too puffy" for Tess's taste. A little water and a hairbrush would have fixed this problem in an instant, if I had been at all tuned in to the fact that Tess had been quiet and moody since she saw herself in the mirror at the salon. Oh no, my child wouldn't be so vain or self-conscious as to allow herself to be taken home and spanked rather than face her friends at day camp with "puffy" hair.

Because I know you're dying of suspense, here's the rest of the story: Tess stayed at day camp after all. Once I clued in to the real problem, the day camp director graciously intervened by inviting Tess to "help" her with some computer work in the office until she felt like rejoining her friends. Tess jumped at the opportunity. Apparently the director used this time to have a little chat about why Tess didn't like the "puffy" hair and how she might have chosen to better handle the situation. In some ways, I feel like this talented woman did my job. But then I remember what it was like to be a kid whose mother didn't get where I was coming from on "style" issues. And mostly I just feel dense for not realizing that the 6-year-old has the same feminine self-conscious quirks as the rest of us.

Can't wait 'til she's 13!

Boxy's new lease on life

2007-08-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

Sydney's special friend is a little doll named "Boxy." Presumably the name derived from the fact that when Sydney received her, Boxy was nicely packaged in -- you can guess, can't you? -- a box. Boxy was a gift to Sydney from my co-workers 6 years ago when they gave me a baby shower in anticipation of Tess's birth. At that time, Sydney was just a few weeks short of 3 years old.

Today, 9-year-old Sydney still loves Boxy the best of any doll or toy she has ever received. This little doll has been repeatedly abused by the love of a little girl who insisted on taking her everywhere. She has been carted to preschool and stuffed in a little cubby; she has been the star of countless "show and tell" sessions; she has been laid on at naptime and inadvertently thrown out of bed during restless nights; she has been thrown up on and written on and had makeup applied to her tiny features. She has spent days stuffed in the bottom of a kindergartner's backpack when it was forbidden that she be brought to school. Her few tiny outfits are worn and pilled from wear.

For the past few months, my mother has been trying to convince Sydney to let her take Boxy to a friend who makes dolls in order to repair Boxy's worn-out body. The doll was in danger of coming apart, as the connection between the vinyl arms and legs and the cloth body had ripped in several places. Sydney was adamantly against any such improvements being made, partly out of fear that Boxy would somehow never be the same, but more out of a reluctance to relinquish her beloved doll for even one night.

The situation became more serious, however, while we were on vacation this year. For the first time, Sydney became seriously alarmed that Boxy would actually lose an arm or leg during the night. I honestly don't know if we all could have survived that kind of trauma. After we returned from our trip, Sydney approached her grandma about the possibility of having Boxy undergo some minimal, only-as-absolutely-necessary repairs. Grandma made the arrangements, and voila! Boxy has been rejuvenated, complete with a new (clean!) cloth body, a serious vinyl scrubbing, and a frilly new outfit.

I look at Boxy and wonder if she will need another body replacement in her "lifetime." She no longer accompanies Sydney everywhere and seems to be most needed only at bedtime. Sydney sometimes even acts embarrassed about her attachment to Boxy and no longer opts to take her to school for show-and-tell, although I did notice that during the few days she contemplated going away to summer camp, Boxy was #1 on her packing list.

Sometimes at night when I check on the girls before I go to bed, I stop for a minute and watch them. Although I spend most days in shock at the rate at which they are growing up, at night they still seem so young. I look at them carefully, their little faces innocent and unburdened in sleep, their arms wrapped securely around the items that bring them the most comfort. Sydney holds Boxy close to her side, her own chin resting on the top of Boxy's bald vinyl head. It is a sweet sight, and it calls to mind all the times that Boxy has provided a sense of security to my daughter over the past 6 years. One day, Sydney will no longer need to feel Boxy in her arms at night. Maybe she will be embarassed to even have Boxy on her bed or in her room. When that day comes, I have a special place reserved for Boxy in Sydney's memory chest. I know that will be a bittersweet day.

But for now, I'm glad we were able to extend Boxy's "life" for a little while longer.

remember the friend your mom couldn't stand?

2007-08-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the situations my kids get themselves into remind me of things I experienced as a kid. It is weird to see things from the "mom" perspective, when my memory of my own similar experiences is preserved from the "kid" point-of-view. One area where I've experienced this version of "deja-vu" concerns my kids' friends.

Growing up, I had more than one friend that my mom did not like. I can remember one friend in particular, however, who my mother absolutely could not stand. I wasn't allowed to have her sleep over. My mom did allow me to stay at my friend's house, I think so that she could placate me by a method that did not involve her being around my friend. Looking back, I know why my mom didn't like the girl. She was, for lack of a better word, a "user." She was more concerned with being popular than with integrity. I was never a member of the "in crowd" in any sense, so the time we spent together was contingent on her not having a better offer. I was the comfortable old shoe, so to speak, and I got cast aside for the more showy models more time than I can count. In hindsight, I know my self-esteem suffered during the years of our friendship. Of course my mom knew this all along. The funny thing is, the more she objected to my friend, the more fierce I became about preserving the friendship.

That experience taught me a valuable lesson. While I strive to encourage my girls to exercise good judgment, I try not to vocalize dislike of their peers unless there is some significant moral or behavioral issue involved. For example, Sydney has a friend who I do not consider to be the best influence. While she is a sweet enough girl, let's just say she doesn't see much value in telling the truth. She is also a poor student, which I do not consider to be a character flaw except for the fact that she seems to take pride in under-achievement. Yes, I realize this might be a cover for insecurity about her academics. Still, I just do not get a good vibe about this girl overall.

I am encouraged, however, by the fact that Sydney is not blind to her friend's shortcomings. Sydney herself describes this particular girl as "kind of like Eddie Haskell," and I have to agree that it's a good description. I am even more encouraged by the fact that Sydney and this particular friend will not be in the same class this coming school year. Sydney, of course, is disappointed. But not too much. And my husband and I are just trying to contain our glee.

The kid in me is so hating to admit that my mother was right.

a surge of domesticity

2007-07-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend we've seen a sudden interest in the domestic arts around here. I think it was precipitated by the fact that the girls and I spent 3 hours last week cleaning out and organizing their playroom, such that they can now actually see what is on the shelves. We were all somewhat surprised to find that they have a number of craft kits that they have never opened or even given a second glance. . . until Saturday morning, that is. Sydney began by pulling out a "Learn to Crochet" kit and asking me for help in figuring out what to do. It took me all of 30 seconds to realize that there was no way I could follow the scribbly diagrams in the little instructional brochure. So the crochet lessons have been put on hold until we can find someone who actually knows how to crochet to give Sydney a crash course.

Next came the "Learn to Weave" kit, which came with a nice booklet with actual color photographs that I figured I had a shot at being able to understand. And we were off. We decided on yarn colors, opted for fringed ends, and have a vision for a carpet to be used by the American Girl dolls. As of now, she is about halfway finished.

Not to be outdone, Tess pulled out a "Begin to Sew" kit that she had actually started on a number of months ago and then forgot about. She finished stitching and sewing the bear and spent the rest of the day asking me for more sewing projects. Today I happened upon some little sewing kits in the $1 bin of the craft store, so she's back in business and has already finished a butterfly keychain!

It all makes me reminiscent of the various crafts I have attempted - for a time - over the years: latch-hook, cross-stitch, sewing, etc. There is something to be said for the creativity and sense of satisfaction that working on a project inspires. Good job, girls.

decision: not to camp

2007-07-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

After a week or so of vacillating and gathering other people's opinions (Daddy said yes; Grandma said no; Grandpa said "why not?"), Sydney and I have reached a mutual decision that she will not go away to church camp this year. I didn't set out to exert any influence over this decision; I even picked up the registration papers while she made her packing list. What it finally came down to was that she is still struggling with a somewhat irrational fear of going to sleep, and I think we both realized that there are just too many unknowns about how she is going to react to being away from home for six nights. Thankfully, when I finally got up the courage to tell her that I just don't think she's ready to go away to camp this year, her immediate reaction was total agreement. So, while I really really really want her to overcome her sleep difficulties, I am breathing a sigh of relief that the "moment of truth" in sending her out on her own for a week has been postponed.

The big camp debate has caused me to reflect a little more thoughtfully on the fact that she is growing up much faster than I anticipated. It has also made me realize that I want and need to find ways to stay connected to her as she continues through the "tween" years and into her teens. I don't have much to fall back on in the way of my own experiences, as my mom and I were really never close during those years in my life; it was only after I became a mom myself that we really became friends. So, I find myself more conscious of these issues and trying to take the time to make her feel important and special in little ways that I know mean something to her. One thing I think I might try is a mother-daughter journal, an idea I picked up from this book. Since we seem to share a proclivity for expression through writing, I'm thinking this might be one way for us to stay connected as time marches on.

we finished one!

2007-07-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that the girls and I have finished the first book on our Read Together list. On Jennifer's recommendation, we read The Penderwicks. Actually, we listened to it on audiobook. What a sweet story! We all thoroughly enjoyed it. I am especially glad that we did it on audio, because the narrator did a great job of differentiating the voices and bringing out the personality of each character, particularly with regard to the four Penderwick sisters. We listened mostly in the car, and there were many days when we sat in the parking lot at our destination or in the garage at home for "just a few more minutes."

The Penderwicks is a simple story about four young girls and their widower father and the three weeks they spend renting a cottage on a large estate over summer vacation. They have a lot of adventures - sometimes funny, sometimes harrowing (particularly from mom's point-of-view!), meet interesting people, and learn a lot about life and themselves in the process.

From my perspective, I enjoyed the way the author brought out the individuality of each girl. I could identify with certain characteristics of each of the sisters from my own childhood. As a parent, the writing from the girls' point-of-view reminded me to try to look at things from my kids' perspective more often. The contrasting parenting styles depicted in the book also reminded me that my kids are probably much more capable of knowing their own minds than I give them credit for, and my efforts to micromanage their lives might not really be what's best for them in the long run.

The girls particularly enjoyed the antics of the sisters and their newfound friend, Jeffrey. Tess says Batty, the youngest sister, was her favorite character. Sydney liked the 2 middle sisters, Skye and Jane, and said they "made a good team." This observation made me smile, as I see a lot of Jane, the sister with the big imagination and a passion for writing, in Sydney (as well as myself!). Sydney must have seen it too, as one of her current projects is writing her own book!

Thanks to Jennifer for the book recommendation and also for Read Together challenge. To read other reviews, go here. As for us, we're on to the next book!

blessings

2007-07-26T08:04:00.001-07:00

This has been a tough week for me. I can't really explain why; there was no big event that made it tough. It's more like a lot of little insidious situations at work that have been irritating me for a while kind of came to a head, at least in my own mind. If that seems vague, well it is. But the end result has been a foggy aura of sadness that has formed a cloud around me and won't seem to let up. But today I am thankful, even for the ugligness of the past week, because sometimes I need a little shake-up to make me refocus on what's really important. So, I'm counting my blessings today.

I am especially thankful for my dear husband, who I often take for granted. His gentleness and kindness to me during the past week has been incredible. After being married for 19 years, there are a lot of things that end up going unsaid. But life is short, so I resolve to make an effort to say them.

Also, of course, the girls. I think for the past couple of months I've been in a frame of mind where the girls were just really irritating me. Now I see that things were out of balance; I was too busy, too focused on work stuff; I lost that sense of wonder at being able to just be with them, without a schedule or a timetable or a WiFi connection to my office computer. If nothing else, my recent disillusionment at work has shaken me out of that place. I'm happy to be back.

Finally, but not in any way least, my dear Heavenly Father, who crafts what I experience each day to make me into what he wants me to be. He holds the future in his hands; my part is just to trust -- and learn.